ALL IN THE FAMILY

Respect Your Husband

2012-02-11T21:51:00.000-06:00

Respect is an important issue in any relationship, but especially in marriage. For a man to love his wife as himself means that he will respect her as he wants to be respected. Respect is a basic love need that a man must have from his wife. When a wife has no respect for her husband, the relationship is in jeopardy and intimacy is lost. Respect is a gender issue of great importance to a man. "So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband" (Ephesians 5:33, NLT).

There are some practical things which we can do to maintain respect in marriage. Do not speak negatively about your spouse in front of others. Sometimes, frustration brings the temptation to discuss the spouse's negative points with others which becomes harmful to the relationship. If there is a need to resolve issues in a marriage, it should be done in conversation with the spouse in a respectful manner. A display of disrespect guarantees defeat in creating intimacy.

Teasing can be a way of painful disrespect. Many times teasing is a disguised way of voicing anger and frustration. It may simply compound the problem. Issues in marriage should be discussed honestly, openly and with respect.

A man needs his wife's respect. He wants to be her hero. Disrespect tells him that he is not. Disrespect attacks his masculine need in the relationship. A disrespected husband usually responds in one of two ways. First, he may display his anger in word and deed. Secondly, and far worse, he may be defeated by his wife's disrespect and emotionally resign from the marriage. This leads to a "silent divorce."

How to Ruin Your Marriage

2012-02-09T09:08:00.004-06:00

"And the tongue is a flame of fire.
It is full of wickedness that can ruin your whole life."

James 3:6, NLT

The tongue can be very destructive to the point of ruining your whole life, and that includes your marriage. If you want to destroy a loving relationship with your mate, let your tongue speak unchecked, setting aflame contention, conflict and misunderstanding. If you want to ruin your marriage, there is no faster way to do it than with the words of your tongue. Courtship begins with words such as "I love you." Marriage becomes a reality with words of promise. The same tongue that speaks words of love in courtship to initiate a relationship can also destroy the same relationship.

Ruin your marriage with words of criticism. A constant diet of criticism can eventually ruin any relationship. Your mate needs to know of your support. Be his/her number one supporter. Share your needs and ideas in a positive way.

Ruin your marriage with "You" messages. Understand "YOU" messages. The "YOU" message often indicates a parent-child relationship. For instance, "YOU need to cut the grass." Another one, "YOU need to clean the house." "YOU" messages normally put the other person on the defensive. When we do, the other person often withdraws from meaningful, transparent conversation. The " I " message expresses your thoughts and feelings without putting the other person on the defensive. For example, one may say, "YOU never help me." That message puts a spouse on the defensive and may create an argument. Instead, it could be put this way, "I need your help."

Ruin your marriage with words of uncontrolled anger. It's easy to speak harsh words when we are angry. An uncontrolled tongue can do great damage. Silence would be preferred at that time. Anger does need to be expressed, but in the proper way.

Ruin your marriage with words of hurtful teasing. Words of teasing may be humorous to us, but hurtful to our mate. A joke at the expense of our mate is always inappropriate. Teasing can be a cruel way of expressing anger.

Conclusion

Words are powerful. They may express your love and create intimacy. On the other hand, they may be destructive enough to destroy your marriage. The choice is yours. Kind and loving words strengthen the marriage bond. Words may encourage, compliment, and lovingly support your spouse. Words are like matches. They can light a furnace to warm your home, or they can be used carelessly to destroy the same home. Don't ruin your marriage with careless words.

Interdependency in Marriage

2012-02-07T13:31:00.000-06:00

They had been married for two years and she was becoming increasingly unhappy in the marriage. She felt the responsibility for everything in their marriage. She had maintained a good job with an income that provided for them. He had several jobs during the same time, but he always became dissatisfied with his employer for different reasons. He was seemingly happy to spend his days watching television or hanging out with some other guys.

She felt the load of responsibility. Not only was she the "bread winner," but she also paid the bills, took care of appointments for car repairs, and anything else needed around the house. She did all the house work. When she became frustrated with him, her only consolation was he needs me, how in the world would he make it without me?

Most healthy marriages are built upon interdependency, where each spouse takes responsibility. Where one spouse in a marriage takes most of the responsibility, the relationship is no longer balanced. The spouse taking the load of responsibility alone not only becomes exhausted and drained, but resentfulness and anger, often suppressed, becomes a problem sooner or later.

The root cause of avoiding responsibility in a relationship is many times caused by personal immaturity. Marriage is for adults, and mature adults are willing to accept responsibility. Dr. W. Hugh Missildine, who received his psychiatric training at John Hopkins Hospital, wrote, "Interdependency is characteristic of most stable marriages. However, the person who has been overindulged in childhood has never felt responsible for anyone or recognized any need to consider anyone except himself, and he dislikes the expectation that he should do so."

Unfortunately, the married person who refuses to take responsibility in the relationship may never come to maturity. The same person may see any problems in marriage as the other spouse's fault. After all, that can become a good excuse for not accepting responsibility. What a good change could take place in the marriage if both spouses are willing to take responsibility. That's called interdependency in marriage.

"When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things" (1 Corinthians 13:11). Some marriages could be dramatically changed by putting away childish things. Not everyone who lives in an adult body thinks with an adult mind. Real love accepts responsibility. Interdependency in marriage makes a difference.

Healing Family Memories

2012-02-05T14:48:00.000-06:00

It was the Sunday of Father's Day. She attended a church service with her husband. The minister brought a message to his congregation entitled, "Honor Your Father." After the service, a woman asked for an appointment to visit his office. When she came for the conference, she expressed strong anger about his message from the preceding Sunday. She went on to explain that her father verbally and physically abused her mother. She asked the minister, "How could I honor a man who was so mean to my mother?" The minister assured her that God was not pleased with the way he treated her mother. The minister went on to say, "The greatest way that you could honor your heavenly Father is to forgive your dad."

It's difficult to honor an abusive parent. Counselors offices may have a stream of people who bring stories of abuse and neglect. The need for inner-healing from the hurts of the past are evident. Their stories must be shared with someone who cares and understands. The anger and frustration needs to be expressed. Anger is a part of grieving the past. If it is not expressed, healing the memories will not come. The lady who expressed her anger toward an abusive dad actually felt safe to share her hurt with the pastor. He understood why she was angry. He also knew that she needed to come to a point of forgiveness and inner-healing.

The journey toward inner-healing takes time. Different emotions, such as denial, anger, guilt, and bitterness, must be processed. Understanding that it is never God's will for a parent to be neglectful nor abusive is important in the healing journey. God is love, and parents are given an opportunity to teach and model God's unconditional love with their children. However, there are times when children need to forgive their parents.

Forgiveness is a choice. It doesn't erase the memories, but it opens the way for God to take the pain out of the memories. This is the place of inner-healing. The broken-hearted person can experience the healing power in God our Father's unconditional love.

Two Become One

2012-02-02T20:48:00.000-06:00

"Since they are no longer two but one, let no one separate them, for God has joined them together" (Matthew 19:6, NLT).

The bond of marriage is observed in the words of Jesus when he said, "... no longer two but one ..." This is a bond intended by God to unite a man and his wife not to be separated. It is the purpose of God to join a man and woman in a bond so strong that "they are no longer two but one." How does God join two persons in such a strong bond? Bonding is an important part of life. Parents are bonded with children. Friends are bonded together in a supportive relationship. Families are bonded into a supportive relationship. However, God intended that marriage should be the strongest bond of all these.

Bond of Love. Marriage is to be more than a romantic affair. The love of God is intended to be the strength of the bond. This is an unselfish, unconditional love that is experienced between a husband and wife. It's the God kind of love.

Spiritual Bond. Marriage is more than sexual union or a social relationship. It is designed by God to be a spiritual union. It is to be so strong that the two become one. The two understand each other completely. It is a transparent relationship. The husband and wife give themselves to each other unconditionally.

Covenant Bond. This is far more than a civil union. Vows are made to each other with God as their witness. It is a commitment to God and to each other. The couple ask for the blessing of God on the union.

Lifetime Bond. The couple are intended to be bonded together in such a way, that they cannot imagine life without each other. The spouse should be the person who is supportive through all of life's experiences. They stay together "through thick and thin."

God's Blessing on Families

2012-02-01T00:00:00.000-06:00

The mother and father were separated. The three children lived with their mother. She worked, but she didn't make enough to provide for all their needs. They never heard from their father. They had no idea where he was. Three years had gone by, when unexpectedly the father returned home. He asked his wife and children to forgive him for not being the husband and father that he should have been. He explained to them that a real change had taken place in his life. He said, "God has changed my life. I've become a Christian." At first they were all suspicious of what was happening, but the days, months and years proved that a real change had taken place in his life. The family was blessed.

God wants all the families of the earth to be blessed (Genesis 12:3). These were the words given to Abraham centuries ago, when God made a covenant with him. That covenant still works today, "that the blessing of Abraham might come upon the Gentiles in Christ Jesus, that we might receive the promise of the Spirit through faith" (Galatians 3:14). The Spirit of God can change any family, anywhere, through faith in Jesus Christ. The fruit of the Spirit working in the hearts of fathers, mothers, and children, is love. God's love, joy and peace blesses all families who will receive (Galatians 5:22-23).

Do you need a change in your family? It's available to all who will receive. It's the blessing of God. It's received by faith. It becomes a reality through Christ and the power of God's Spirit. Ask God to bless your family. He really wants to bless all families. It always begins with parents who seek God's good will, according to the promise of His covenant.

In marriage, a man and woman enter a covenant with God. They make vows to each other with God as the witness. God's blessings come through the covenant to that couple as husband and wife (Ephesians 5:22-33). Those blessings of God continue to their children (Ephesians 6:1-3). For the believer, marriage is far more than a legal contract or civil union, it's a covenant relationship with one another and God.

"Marriage is the uniting of one man and one woman in covenant commitment for a lifetime. It is God's unique gift to reveal the union between Christ and His church, and to provide the framework for intimate companionship, the channel of sexual expression according to biblical standards, and the means of procreation of the human race" (Baptist Faith and Message, XVIII. The Family, 2000).

Stages Toward Marriage

2012-01-29T17:48:00.000-06:00

Research has indicated that there are five stages in a relationship leading to marriage. A healthy courtship can be a good preview of a happy and fulfilling marital relationship. The courtship needs between 18 months and two years to move through the stages. A relationship that moves too quickly toward marriage may pass over one or more stages of bonding.

Attraction. Most often, a man is attracted to a woman through her appearance. Also, he needs to feel that she needs him. The case may be quite different for a woman. She needs to feel comfortable with him. She feels that she can talk to him and he understands her.

The attraction needs to be tested over time through a variety of circumstances in life. Unfortunately, some couples go from attraction to engagement without the experience of three more important stages. Maybe a couple believes their relationship is "love at first sight." The danger is projecting on the other person, who we want them to be, rather than who they really are.

Doubt. This is a normal part of a good relationship. Better to doubt before the marriage than after. A relationship needs to be tested. Doubt should not cause panic. Doubt does not mean that true love is absent. Doubt asks a very important question: Is this the person I want to live with for a lifetime?

When one person in a relationship has doubts, the other person may panic, feeling rejection. This is not always really the case. The person who doubts the relationship may be taking it seriously but needs to be sure. Most bonds of true love are sincerely doubted at some point. Being vulnerable to another person in a genuine, loving relationship can be uncomfortable at times. This can cause doubt.

Exclusiveness. This is a time when both persons agree not to date others. Jealousy could become an issue at this stage. However, when both persons agree that they don't want to date others, the relationship has moved into the third stage.

Jealousy may be healthy or unhealthy. Exclusiveness involves trust, loyalty, and faithfulness. Anything that threatens this type of relationship will cause a healthy jealousy. However, unhealthy jealousy tries to control the other person. This type of jealousy comes from low self-esteem, insecurity, or fear of losing the relationship.

Intimacy. The couple becomes more transparent in conversations. An emotional bond is developing. It becomes a heart-to-heart relationship, sharing innermost thoughts, desires, and emotions. They really know each other and feel safe to be themselves.

Intimacy requires a willingness to be vulnerable to the other person. Being vulnerable means that we know that the other person could hurt us. Therefore, intimacy requires trust. He becomes her "safe place." His heart safely trusts in her. This is the bond that assures a satisfying relationship.

Engagement. The couple announces their intention to be married. It is an adjustment stage within family relationships. There is a need for family acceptance and approval. Two persons are preparing to marry each other, but remember, they are also marrying into each other's family. New relationships are being formed with other members of both families of origin. It takes time to develop those relationships.

A Vulnerable Relationship

2012-01-25T14:22:00.000-06:00

A well known TV personality had been engaged for two years. He surprised everyone when he announced that he was breaking his engagement. He said, "I'm vulnerable." That was his problem. He thought that she was the one, but he was uncomfortable with her because he felt vulnerable. He admitted that he may not ever be able to marry because of vulnerability.

There can be no intimacy in any marriage without vulnerability. Ironically, the very vulnerability that makes us feel uncomfortable, and perhaps even fearful, is the very key to an intimate marriage. The fear comes when a someone thinks, that person could really hurt me. Intimacy always takes the risk of being hurt. That very fear may cause a person to be satisfied to marry someone with no feeling of vulnerability.The person may feel secure, assured of never being hurt, but possibly in a boring relationship, void of real intimacy.

The fear of vulnerability is often stronger with a person who has been hurt through divorce or a previously broken relationship. The same person may build emotional walls to play it safe in a future relationship. This person may not get hurt again, but the same person may never find intimacy in marriage.

How can a person who has been hurt ever become vulnerable to anyone again? Persons who have been emotionally injured in a vulnerable relationship need time to heal. The negative emotions need to be expressed with someone who understands. Often this is done with a counselor. It could be done with a close personal friend. Persons who have been emotionally wounded need to feel safe to express their feelings.

If you are in a vulnerable relationship with your spouse, consider yourself to be blessed. Sure, you could get hurt. Worse than that, you could be in a relationship that has no promise of vulnerability, guaranteeing no real intimacy. Marriages that provide for security in a vulnerable relationship to share your emotions, including the negative ones, provides a dynamic for genuine intimacy. In such a relationship, there is always a need to be sensitive to your partner's feelings, providing a safe place to talk openly, freely, and transparently.

There is a gender difference when it comes to vulnerability. Most often, men have more trouble becoming vulnerable in a relationship than women. So it was in the case of the TV personality. He was very uncomfortable in a good relationship. It wasn't about her, quite to the contrary, it was about him. He may be walking away from the woman who could provide more intimacy in marriage than anyone he will ever know.

Are you in a vulnerable relationship? Does vulnerable describe your marriage? I certainly hope so. Remember, no vulnerability, no intimacy. The good news is that over the years in an intimate marriage, the risk factor diminishes, not because the intimacy needs to subside, but because the trust in the one you love dearly is well established. Intimate marriages are vulnerable relationships.

Codependency in Marriage

2012-01-23T16:56:00.000-06:00

They had been married for several years. He had become a passive husband, refusing to make decisions. His comment to her was often, "Whatever you want is fine with me." She controlled the check book, the family budget, his schedule, and most all of the decisions within their marriage.

As the years passed, she found the relationship within their marriage to be less satisfying. Their communication between each other was only factual concerning things that needed to be done. He never shared a romantic word with her. He never showed any emotion. She often wondered why they didn't have a better marriage. Often, she would think of her parent's marriage. Her mother was always in control. She thought that she had to be. Her father was an alcoholic. That was the family secret. If her mother was not in control, things could get out of hand very easily.

Her husband did not have a drinking problem, nor any addictive behavior. So, why was her marriage so much like her parents marriage? Then she would think, well, maybe all marriages are this way. So, she thought her expectations were too high. That's just the way it is, and nothing is going to change it. The thought of her having to constantly be in control of the marriage never crossed her mind as being a problem.

In this marriage, codependency was a problem. Her family of origin was dysfunctional. The main concern was keeping the family secret. Fear was the motivation. Mother had to be in control. After all, when dad drank too much, every one could really be embarrassed. Her mother used manipulation, threats, secrets with the children, and whatever it took to keep dad under control. The underlying fear was always there.

She often thought that her marriage would be so different. She never wanted to marry anyone with a drinking problem. Her husband fulfilled that requirement. He was not the one with the problem, but she was. Fear was the motivating emotion of her marriage. She had trouble trusting him. As a matter of fact, she had trouble trusting anyone. Yet, she never thought that these things were a problem. She always thought the problem was with others.

Codependency is a common problem for anyone who comes from a dysfunctional family. The fear of the past becomes the characteristic of the present, even the fear that someone may think that she had a problem. The inability to trust strikes at the very heart of a satisfying relationship. Intimacy comes from a willingness to be vulnerable to each other.

There are several ways to deal with the problem of codependency. The first step is to admit the problem. That usually isn't easy for someone who has lived with "the secret" since childhood. Also, many good books are available on the subject of codependency. Further help may be sought through professional counseling and support groups. Most importantly, ask God for help in overcoming the fear in codependency. That is a spiritual issue. "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind" (2 Timothy 1:7).

Divorce-Proof Your Marriage

2012-01-19T00:00:00.004-06:00

When the couple had an argument, which was becoming more often, he used the "D" word. He talked of walking away from the marriage. Divorce was his threat to get his way in most arguments. At times it seemed to work, but not as well as he thought. It increased her insecurity in the relationship and made her feel less love from him. The arguments with the "D" word created unpleasant memories that increasingly robbed the marriage of intimacy. His tactic was really not working. Marriage is not built on threats. A "divorce-proof" marriage is built on real love. Until we understand and experience real love, we cannot "divorce-proof" a marriage.

Real love is unselfish. Let's face it, many if not most arguments are built on selfishness. Real love is unselfish. "Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged," 1 Corinthians 13:5-6, NLT. Marriage is not for people who still act like children. It is designed for mature adults. Selfishness is a friend of divorce. They often work together to destroy marriage.

Real love is commitment. Marriage is about a man and woman making a life-time commitment. It is a commitment made with vows to each other. It is a commitment made before God as the covenant witness. The words "to have and to hold from this day forward til death do us part" is a serious commitment. This is the person you want to share your life with until death parts you. Such a commitment from a man for his wife frees her to give herself to him intimately without reservation.

Real love is more than romance. While romance is important for any marriage, real love is more than romance. Read the Song of Solomon in the Old Testament. Read it in a modern translation. It is intimately romantic leading to marriage. However, real love includes much more. "Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance," 1 Corinthians 13:7, NLT.

Real love comes from God. The Bible makes it clear, "God is love," 1 John 4:8, 16. To experience real love in marriage, we must first experience real love from God. Pray to be filled with real love based on the apostle Paul's prayer in Ephesians 3:17-19. This love comes to our hearts through the Holy Spirit (Romans 5:5). The real love from God can divorce-proof any marriage. It's only a prayer away.

Your Aging Parents

2012-01-16T00:00:00.002-06:00

He was often frustrated with his aging parents. They were in the twilight years of life. They often forgot what he had said. They were taking more of his time. Quite frankly, it was depressing to be around them too much. They couldn't do things for him like they used to do. He had the responsibilities of his job and family. Both he and his wife had busy schedules. They needed more time together, yet his parents were requiring more of his time. He had two children in college who needed him as well. The stress of everyone who needed something from him was getting heavier on his mind. Sometimes, it was difficult to be patient with his aging parents. After all, he needed time for himself as well.

Time Demands

The time demands on us can be very stressful. Our story considers a man who had more responsibility than ever before in his life. Aging parents can add much to the load. They needed his help at unexpected times. Responsibilities for aging parents should be shared by all the adult children in the family. When that's not possible, other helpers must be sought. Eventually, assisted living or a nursing home may be needed.

Emotional Stress

Dealing with aging parents can cause emotional stress. Recognize it and seek the help of others. Realize that eventually "anticipatory grief" becomes an issue. That's when we begin to feel the grief of anticipating the parents death. As with any other grief, it can cause a variety of emotions such as denial, anger, bitterness, and yes, guilt. Ask your heavenly Father to help you through those times. Our helper is the Holy Spirit. He is with us always. Express your emotions in prayer. Also, share your emotions with your spouse or a close friend.

Seek Help

Don't try to do everything yourself. The family members should be the primary support group. However, other help is available such as church volunteers, Meals on Wheels, paid sitters and other support agencies. Certainly, ask God for help. Prayer is petition to God according to needs for his support. His help is available. Realize your limitations. No one person can do it all.

Honor Your Parents

God is pleased with all who honor their parents. His Word is clear on the subject (Ephesians 6:2-3). While you are not under obligation to obey them as adolescent children, your respect for them is required. The changes in aging parents can be very threatening to them. They need your understanding and support. They may fear becoming too dependent, yet they need to know that you care.

The Golden Rule

With aging parents, as in all relationships, the so-called "Golden Rule" which Jesus taught is the key. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Who knows, maybe one of these days you will be an aging parent too. How would you like to be treated? That's your answer. Dignity and respect are so important throughout life, but especially so in the twilight years.

Understanding Teenagers

2012-01-13T00:00:00.007-06:00

Their daughter recently turned 16 years-old. It was not only a big change for her, but for her parents as well. She resented being treated like a 10 year-old girl. She was trying to become a woman and it was often frustrating. Her parents were having difficulty with the changing relationship. She wanted more freedom. They were having trouble letting go. The old ways of parental discipline just didn't seem to work any more. For the first time in her life, she seemed to be rebellious and unwilling to cooperate. The frustration with her parents was causing more tension and conflict.

The teen years are a time of major transition. Teenagers are becoming adults. This is a major transition time in life. Parents who understand can help their teenagers make the transition with loving support and affirmation. It can be a sad time for parents, because the parent-child relationship is changing.

Freedom and responsibility are key issues in the teen years. Teenagers want more freedom. They resent being treated as little children. Parents can help them increase the level of freedom by giving them more responsibility. Freedom without responsibility can become disastrous.

The parents attitude toward teenagers is important. They want to be trusted. They need encouragement. Listening to them is so helpful. They have strong feelings that need to be expressed. "Don't make your children angry by the way you treat them" (Ephesians 6:4, NLT).

The focus of the teen years is a major change of direction. They seek peer approval more than ever. This is a developmental task in their social skills. Also, it can be a dangerous time. "Bad company corrupts good character" (1 Cor. 15:33, NLT). Teenagers need friends who share their values.

Teenagers need affirmation and loving understanding. Parents play a vital role in the formation stage of their teens. Their loving care and affirmation are needed now as always. The unconditional love of parents is a safe place and source of strength for teenagers. Parents affirm them as they grow to become adults. "But when I grew up, I put away childish things" (1 Cor. 13:11, NLT). Loving parents support them in this development of their lives.

Correcting Your Children

2012-01-11T00:00:00.006-06:00

The couple had a seven year old son. He was constantly misbehaving. It was like he looked for ways to get in trouble. The parents screamed at him when he did something wrong, but it didn't seem to make much difference. Occasionally, they gave him a spanking, but that didn't really seem to solve anything. They wondered if all children are like this. Was this child different? Nothing seemed to work. In the meantime, his behavior was not improving, it was getting worse. They never really thought that it had anything to do with their parenting style. Let's face it, screaming with an occasional spanking really didn't make much difference.

On the next visit to their pediatrician, the mother explained the problem and asked for suggestions. The doctor suggested being serious about correction, explaining to the child why the misbehavior is wrong. He suggested time-out when necessary. Most of all, make it clear what is acceptable and unacceptable. Advice accepted, the parents noted a difference in their child. They no longer screamed at him. They explained what was unacceptable and why. They found that time-out was occasionally necessary. Most of all, they corrected him in love.

Love corrects. Parents who love their children care enough to correct them. It takes time. It really isn't fun, but it is necessary to helping a child prepare for the future. They must be taught. Correction teaches a child unacceptable behavior and explains why.

Love disciplines. All of us have known adults who lived undisciplined lives. There is a price to be paid for living without self-discipline. Understanding the success of a disciplined life begins in childhood. Trying to teach self-discipline is much more difficult in the teen years. Get an early start. It's always better for the parents and children.

Love establishes boundaries. A child needs to know the boundaries in life. We all need boundaries. They are for our safety and well-being. It takes time to teach children boundaries, but they are worth every minute. There should be a price paid for breaking boundaries. Time-out is proven to be effective. Time-out in a room without television and toys can get a child's attention. It gives them time to think about what you are teaching them.

Love cares. Caring parents teach their children family values and proper behavior. Parents who don't, will regret it. Love invests time in children. Permissive parents are really saying to their children, "We really don't care." Love cares enough to correct.

Parenting Preschoolers

2012-01-07T00:00:00.001-06:00

Learning to parent preschoolers is a moving picture. That is to say, parents must understand their preschoolers in order to be effective parents. In the three stages of the preschool years, there are changing developmental tasks. It is important for parents to know the task their preschooler is trying to accomplish. Failure to do so causes misunderstanding on the parent's part, resulting in arrested development on the child's part.

Erik Erikson, a world renowned psychiatrist, studied behavior patterns from preschool years through senior years, discovering different developmental tasks at different ages in life. His work is widely recognized in understanding human behavior patterns.

Birth to 18 Months

The main issue in the developmental task is trust. The relationship between the child and the mother is primary. The infant is dependent on another person for all the needs of life. To cry is a call for help from a helpless child. Trust is developed through reassuring experiences that the mother will respond.

18 Months to 3 Years

The main issue at this age is autonomy and independence within the child's environment. The child is attempting to gain self-control and a measure of independence versus doubt and shame. Parents need to understand the task of this stage in the development of a preschooler. This includes what some call "the terrible two's." They are really not so terrible when the parent understands the child's developmental task. The parent's misunderstanding may hinder the child from accomplishing the task. As a result, this may lead to doubt and even shame.

3 to 6 Years

This is the time in a preschooler's life to find purpose in the ability to initiate activities. Parents should not misinterpret the initiative of the child as disobedience. To the contrary, let the parent encourage the child to complete the task of initiating activity to discover purpose. The failure to do so will lead to guilt.

Spiritual Development

Notice the words used in the child's developmental tasks. They include trust, mistrust, independence, shame and doubt, as well as initiative, purpose and guilt. All of these subjects are spiritual issues. Parents have the opportunity to assist in the child's spiritual development in these formative years. Let the parents pray for the child to develop in God's love. Also, the parents should pray for themselves, that God will give them understanding. Parents bring God's love to the child as they help preschoolers complete developmental tasks.

Can this Marriage Last?

2012-01-03T21:54:00.000-06:00

They had serious issues in their marriage. She had tried hard to make her marriage work, but the future of the relationship looked bleak at best. She wanted them to get professional counseling, but he was resistant to such an idea. She continued to bring up the subject of counseling. He really didn't like the idea, but finally he agreed for both of them to see a counselor.

In the counseling session she poured out her heart and came to tears. He remained quiet, unless the counselor asked him a specific question. The counselor made it clear to them that a successful marriage required both husband and wife considering each others needs. He said, "It takes two to make a marriage, and it takes two to make a marriage last." As the couple left the counselor's office, she said to her husband, "Do you want to make our marriage last?" He didn't look at her, but he said, "Well, sure if you do." Her heart felt the pain of his answer. That's the way it had always been. She had always tried to make it work, but she had tried alone.

To make a marriage survive, and even thrive, requires two people. His passive attitude had contributed nothing to make the relationship intimate. She had shared her feelings with him many times, but there was little response. Successful marriages require transparent, open, heart to heart communication. Conversations must include more than factual information. There is a need to express feelings honestly and openly, even feelings such as anger, depression and disappointment. In essence, it requires communication which is real and honest, without pretending things are okay when they are not.

Successful marriages require more than a legalistic commitment. They require trust in one another. This is more than trusting the spouse to be honest. It's trusting each other with feelings, fears and doubts. It is feeling safe to share your heart with one another, holding nothing back. Passion in the relationship comes only through a willingness to be vulnerable to your mate. Keeping secrets from one another builds psychological walls of emotional separation. Feeling free and safe to make yourself vulnerable provides a lasting, loving, intimate relationship. Vulnerability is required from the husband and the wife. That's a marriage which will last.

Marriage and Health

2012-01-01T00:00:00.004-06:00

The couple both had health issues. His high blood pressure was easily affected anytime that he got into a stressful situation. She had migraine headaches often, especially when she found herself in any type of stressful situation. Unfortunately, their relationship was filled with stressful scenarios. Usually the disagreements over finances led to heated arguments. They couldn't talk about financial problems without raising their voices and talking hateful to each other. The results most often caused his blood pressure to rise, and she went to bed with a migraine headache. This scenario was predictable, as they repeated it time and again.

Contemporary studies have shown that marriage can be good for your health. Swedish researchers have data to indicate being married in mid-life can reduce the danger of dementia. The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services conducted research on marriage and health between the years 2006-2010. The data indicated that being married and staying married is good for your health. However, research also indicates that those who are married in a stressful relationship do not have the good health benefit of those in a well-adjusted relationship. A stressful marriage can lead to poor health. The results are obvious, that marriage affects your health for better or worse. There are proven results from the studies.

A poor marriage relationship is known by researchers to cause an elevated risk of diabetes and heart disease, as well as mood-swings, depression, elevated stress hormones and could even be responsible for a herpes outbreak. The list of detrimental effects on your health from a poor marriage relationship goes on and on. This research was revealed in a newspaper article by Tara Parker-Pope (New York Times, April 12, 2010).

Your marriage relationship affects every area of your life, including your health. Success in life is contingent on success in your marriage relationship. Let us not forget that your Creator ordained marriage for your good. Marriage can be a relationship filled with love, joy and peace. Those words describe a healthy relationship. They are also words which describe the fruit of God's Spirit working in our lives and in our marriages (Galatians 5:22). When a husband loves his wife with an unconditional love, and a wife respects her husband, the marriage is beneficial to both (Ephesians 5:33). God originated marriage to be a blessing to the man and the woman. Your marital happiness is vitally important. Your health is trying to tell you as much.

Parent-Teen Conflict

2011-12-29T00:00:00.009-06:00

All of us have probably played the game called tug-of-war. Each side tries to pull the rope from the other side, until one side yields their position. Parents and teenagers often play a relational game like tug-of-war. Teens want more freedom. Sometime parents are afraid to let go.

The key issues in parent-teen conflict are responsibility and freedom. Parents know that the teenager's desire to grow up and become independent is normal. They don't want to be treated as elementary age children. They are trying to develop into adults. The desire for more freedom is expected. However, freedom must be balanced with responsibility. The wise parent will challenge the teen to make responsible decisions with the reward of more freedom. The teen wants all the freedom now. The parent may be fearful of letting go. There is a better way. Require responsibility with accountability to gain more freedom. In the process, the teenager is becoming an adult.

Understand your teenage children. This requires listening to their frustrations. Let them talk and express their emotions, but let it be done with respect for parents. Knowing that a parent understands the teenager's feelings lowers the frustration level.

Hold teenagers accountable for their actions. Freedom without responsibility can cause pain for the family. Sure, teenagers will make bad choices, but we all have. Let them be learning experiences. Discuss how the situation could have been handled differently. Freedom comes with responsible experience. Balance freedom with responsibility.

Share your failures with teenagers. Embarrassing details may be avoided, but let them know that you understand their disappointments. Be human. They will appreciate your honesty. Let them learn from your failures.

Love them unconditionally. Let them know that you are on their side. Love them when they succeed and when they fail. "Love is patient and kind ... Love is not irritable and keeps no record of when it has been wronged. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance" (1 Cor. 13:4-7, NLT). Teenagers will always need their parents love above everything else.

Pray with your teenagers. They need to know that God cares about all of their problems and needs. Submitting our circumstances to God for His good will to be done is the essence of prayer. Let them witness God at work in your life. Witness together the joy of answered prayer. The spiritual bond between parents and teenagers will be a lifelong blessing.

The Empty Nest

2011-12-26T00:00:00.006-06:00

They had four children. Now, they are all married and away from home. They live in different cities. The parents are experiencing what some call the empty nest. The husband seems to be doing well with it, but his wife is struggling. She is having an identity crisis. She no longer feels needed as a mother. Her role in life has drastically changed. The house seems so silent and empty. Everything has changed.

Family transitions are sometimes difficult. The empty nest is more difficult for some than others. Fathers may adjust better than mothers. The gender difference is often obvious. In many families the father is more of a provider and the mother is more of a caregiver.

Family transitions often bring a grief process. After all, things are never going to be the same again. There is the loss of a lifestyle pattern. Relational changes require adjustments. Adult children are moving on with their lives. This is God's plan. "Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife" (Genesis 2:24).

Family transitions can put stress on a marriage, or it can be a time of renewal in the marriage bond. As a couple, they now have more time for each other. Their relationship can be enriched. The husband can be a source of strength for his wife as she expresses her emotions. She needs him to understand.

The role of parents is always needed. Sure, the role changes. The adult children need the parents in a new way. They still need the encouragement and advice of parents, but the parents must let go of control. Their relationship is now changed to an adult to adult level. Parents must allow them to put away childish things. "When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things" (1 Corinthians 13:11).

Harmony in Marriage

2011-12-21T00:00:00.000-06:00

The word harmony is a musical term. It is singing together with one voice. Living in harmony with another is singing with one voice. Harmony in marriage comes as a by-product of focusing on your spouse. When selfishness becomes the motivation of married partners, trouble and conflict are the results. It's like two people singing different songs at the same time. It is confusion without any harmony.

Harmony in marriage is a choice. To choose selfish ambition over love for your mate will result in discord. Love is not selfish. "It does not insist on its own way" (1 Corinthians 13:5). The choice is ours. The results are predictable.

Harmony in marriage is being on the same page. Singing in harmony is singing on the same page. So it is in marriage. The more common denominators that you have with your spouse, the stronger the relationship becomes. Your faith is an important denominator in marriage.

Harmony in marriage is in Christ (Ephesians 5:22-33). The love of Christ is the strong bond for Christians in marriage. Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church. Wives are to respect their husbands. Love and respect are the instruments of harmony in any marriage.

Harmony in marriage is the will of God. He ordained marriage from the beginning. Pray together as a couple. Ask God to bless your marriage. Serve God together. God's love is the bond that strengthens and nurtures the relationship. Love "endures all things" (1 Cor. 13:7).

Kindness Changes Marriage

2011-12-18T00:00:00.001-06:00

Gary Chapman, Executive Editor of Home Life magazine, tells the story of a husband who was intently trying to watch a football game on television, when his wife interrupted to have a conversation. He responded harshly with her. His wife left the room only to return in about twenty minutes to bring him a tray with a sandwich, a drink, chips and a cookie. She kissed him on the cheek and said, "I love you." Then, she immediately walked out of the room. The man said, "I was smitten by her kindness. I knew I didn't deserve it." He turned off the television and went to apologize for speaking harshly to her. He asked for her forgiveness. She said, "Honey, I forgive you because I do love you."

Love is often expressed through gifts. Giving cards with words of love is good. A box of chocolates is most often appreciated. However, the gift of kindness is better than both. You can't put it in a box. You can't always feel it by reading a card. It's not reserved for a special occasion. However, it's the gift for the one special person in your life which can be given everyday. It may taste better than candy, and say more than the words printed on a card.

Kindness has the power to change a marriage. It has the ability to save a marriage in trouble. It's source is love. Kindness is given not as a reward. It's always a gift, an unconditional gift. As a matter of fact, it always means much more when it's not given to reward some one's behavior. It never makes a conditional statement such as, "I'll be kind to you, if you will be kind to me." It's source is always unconditional love. "Love . . . is kind" (1 Corinthians 13:4).

Kindness is for everyday. It strengthens the marriage bond with security and sensitivity. It costs nothing as far as money is concerned, but it is far more valuable to a relationship than any amount of money. It's a gift that many do not have to offer, but there is an abundant supply. It comes from God Himself, because "God is love." He can supply our lives with an endless source of love which is kind. Ask and receive freely. Give freely and abundantly to the one you love.

Home for the Holidays

2011-12-14T00:00:00.003-06:00

The couple had three adult children who were all married and four grandchildren. They were all coming home for the Thanksgiving Holiday to spend a week together with their parents. George and his family lived in Chicago. Pam and her family lived in Tampa. Ron and his family lived in Dallas. They didn't get to spend much time together. This would be a special time for the whole family.

Mom was anxious trying to plan how to cook. Where would everyone sleep? Her home did have five bedrooms. The children and their families were all flying home. The couple had to make sure they knew all the flight schedules. There was much more to do. The more mom thought about it, the more nervous she became. Her husband sensed her stressed and put his arms around her. She just let go in his arms. He said, "Honey, it's going to be okay. I want to help take the stress off you." She smiled and they kissed. What would she do without him? He had always been there for her.

The phone rang. It was George calling from Chicago. "Mom", he said, "we love you and can't wait to be home for the holidays, but we don't want you to worry about anything. I've talked to Pam and Ron, and we are taking care of the meals and all the arrangements." Mom said, "But George, I must cook or it just wouldn't be the same. There is so much I want to do." George quickly replied, "Mom, all of us just want to enjoy being with you and dad. We want you to enjoy the grandchildren, and please let us do this for you. You're special mom. You've already spent a lifetime doing good things for us. Just relax and enjoy being with us."

Points to Consider

Mothers are real special people. They spend their lives trying to do for their family. Let the holidays be a special time to express your love and appreciation for parents. Some of us no longer have that privilege.

Mothers often have a false sense of guilt that they should have done more for the family. A loving mother just can't do enough for her children. The holidays are a good opportunity for children to express appreciation in word and deed.

Holidays with the family is about relationships - enjoying each others company. It's a time to reconnect, celebrate the past and enjoy the moment. The family scattered has limited precious moments together. Make the most of it.

Holidays with the family is a time to express love. It's about the warmth of togetherness with those we love the most. It's time for hugs, kisses, talking with each other, and make sure the camera is ready. Pictures will be cherished for decades to come.

For a family of faith, it's a time to pray together and once again worship together. It's the time to feel the love of God through the family. Renew the bond of love with your family during the holidays.

Facing Family Conflict

2011-12-11T00:00:00.001-06:00

Silence was the way their family handled conflict. It was a longstanding pattern. If two or more family members were at odds, just don't talk. There was a cold silence when they gathered for meals. No eye contact between the offended parties. The children learned this behavior from the parents. When they became adults, they carried the same pattern into marriage and family life. No, there was never any screaming or lashing out at each other. Neither were problems ever discussed openly and honestly. Feelings were not shared. Pretend like nothing happened. Remain silent and move on to the next task. It seemed to work as far as avoiding unsightly situations. However, the family bond was weakened over the years, and the parents had long since entered what some call a "silent divorce."

Expect family disagreements. It's normal to have disagreements where you have two or more people. Healthy relationships maintain the right to have different opinions. When a conflict arises in the family, don't try to avoid it at any cost. It resolves nothing.

Identify family disagreements. Problems in the family cannot be resolved until people honestly admit the situation. Sometimes a family member fears causing trouble by admitting a disagreement. However, the trouble is already there. Denying a problem and keeping it secret is a sign of a dysfunctional family.

Talk through family problems. It's important for a husband and wife to talk through their problems. Even if a resolution is not found, we should respect each other's opinions. Listening is so important. After all, there may be a misunderstanding through miscommunication. Simply listening to the other person's problem shows love and consideration. This may often lead to resolving the conflict.

Pray together about family problems. Remember, God loves each member of your family and he cares about all of our problems. Ask for God's wisdom (James 1:5) and peace in resolving disagreements. Praying together and talking together is far better than pretending there is no problem.

Accept the person with whom you disagree. Don't alienate or withdraw from a family member because you disagree. A loving, accepting relationship is more important than demanding agreement on every issue. Parents can model this in their marriage before their children.

Marriage is Covenant

2011-12-07T13:46:00.000-06:00

Dr. David Kyle Foster wrote an excellent book entitled The Divine Marriage. His focus is on the covenant nature of marriage. In the Judeo-Christian faith tradition, marriage is based on a covenant with God. There is no covenant without an oath. The oath, or promises made before God as the Witness, creates a bond blessed of God.

Marriage is far more than a legal document, or just a piece of paper at the local county courthouse, when an oath is made before God between a bride and groom. Believers want the blessing of God upon their union, and God desires to bless all marriages. He is the One who ordained marriage from the very beginning (Genesis 2). Covenant is the bond blessed by God, uniting a man and woman in marriage.

God's desire is to bring order and blessing to all people everywhere. He does this through covenant, which is far more than a contract between two people. The oath is the means of creating order. Covenant causes two persons to be joined together with God's favor or blessing on the union. Foster puts it this way, "Covenants are established by making an oath - an oath that creates kinship between the two who are making covenant." This is far more than a "civil union." God bonds and blesses relationships within covenant.

Points to Consider

The greatest blessing of covenant marriage is the blessing of God, which bonds with unconditional love. Romantic love and a loving friendship are vital to any marriage, but the God-kind of love (1 Corinthians 13) is primary. It is not selfish nor conditional. It always cares about the other person.

God ordained marriage as a model for His relationship of unconditional love for His children. It is to be a relationship covering security, provision, companionship and commitment of unconditional love.

In covenant marriage, there is a triangle of love. It includes the husband and wife in relationship with God who is love (1 John 4:8). The bond of love becomes a reality in marriage through the work of the Holy Spirit in our hearts (Romans 5:5), uniting husband and wife in the love of God (Ephesians 5:22-33).

Covenant marriage provides a channel of blessing from God to all children born into the relationship. Of course, God loves all children, but covenant marriage models the love of God for them to experience in family life (1 Corinthians 7:14).

The covenant husband becomes a channel for God to love the wife unconditionally through him by the Holy Spirit's presence. This is a quality and security of love as a gift from God. Of course, the other two types of love, which are experienced through companionship and sexuality are important as well. However, the covering over each area of the relationship is God's unconditional love.

The Marriage Bond

2011-12-05T00:00:00.009-06:00

When two people have a meaningful personal relationship, we can say that they are bonded. This is most certainly true in marriage. However, a warning is appropriate in the case of being bonded with the wrong person. For this reason the Bible says, "Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers" (2 Corinthians 6:14). When an unequal bond takes place, a bond may become bondage.

In Bible days, the farmer yoked two oxen to pull the plow. They moved forward together step by step. The apostle Paul used this everyday illustration to warn believers not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers. This certainly applies to marriage. A couple should be pulling together as they go forward in their relationship and not against each other. A marriage that pulls together provides energy in the relationship. When the partners in a marriage pull against each other, the relationship drains both husband and wife.

The Bible makes it clear that a believer should marry another believer (1 Cor. 7:39). Issues of faith can cause much conflict in the marriage. There are marriages where a believer can live together with an unbeliever in peace, but not always. If the unbeliever wants to continue in the marriage, the believer should be willing to consent. However, the Bible gives concession for divorce if the unbeliever chooses to depart (1 Cor. 7:13-16). The goal of the relationship is to live in peace (1 Cor. 7:15).

The yoke of marriage is the bond of marriage. It is a covenant relationship ordained of God. He desires to bless those who make vows before Him. The wedding vows or promises to each other confirm the bond to become a covenant relationship. Vows in the Bible are taken seriously and have consequences and blessings in this life (Numbers 30). To break the vows is to break the bond or yoke of marriage.

We have often heard that opposites attract. That may be true in many circumstances, but it's not always true between a believer and unbeliever. Faith issues can cause serious disagreement. Marriage is intended to be a blessed relationship, as both partners pull together with the same goals and direction of life. The more agreement between the couple, the stronger the bond. Marriages are energized by common goals and belief systems. It is an interdependent relationship, as they pull together and not apart. Together is the key word. They are together in the good times and the bad, side by side. They find strength from each other.

Receive Family Blessings

2011-12-02T00:00:00.002-06:00

"All of the families of the earth
will be blessed through you."

Genesis 12:3, NLT

God spoke to Abram that all the families of the earth would be blessed through him. Of course, this refers to God's covenant with Abraham fulfilled through Jesus Christ (Galatians 3). From the beginning, God intended the family to be a blessing to all people. The break down of the family unit is a sad reality in our society. Dysfunctional families cannot provide the blessing which God wants for everyone. When a family becomes dysfunctional, it creates problems within persons who may not recover in a lifetime. God has blessings for us through the family.

Family blessings come in covenant relationship with God. That means the family understands the commands and promises of God's covenant word (Ephesians 5:22-6:3). A covenant relationship with God is a faith relationship, providing promised blessings (Jeremiah 31:31-34).

Family blessings come through worship of God together. We have heard the slogan, "The family that prays together stays together." Family worship is the center of God's blessings. This is not only corporate worship with a church, but it includes family worship in the home.

Family blessings are built on God's love. The husband loves the wife with an unselfish love like Christ has for the church (Ephesians 5: 22-33). Children are secure within the love, acceptance and approval of their parents.

Family blessings come through God's grace and mercy. When family members go astray, they are able to experience love through forgiveness and restoration. Prodigals may return to the father's love and the family's support and care.

Family blessings come through faith in Jesus Christ (Acts 16:30-31). The influence of faith on children and grandchildren is undeniable (2 Timothy 1:5). God's covenant with Abraham to bless all the families of the earth was confirmed and fulfilled through our Lord Jesus Christ (Galatians 3:13-14). The family has a spiritual responsibility to children. The goal of that spiritual nurturing of children is to be a blessing to them.

Never doubt that God wants to bless your family. Pray for each member of your family, asking God for the blessing of Abraham upon your family through faith in our Lord Jesus Christ. God blessed Abraham in all things (Genesis 24:1). God loves you and your family and desires to bless you.

Intimacy in Marriage

2011-11-30T00:00:00.024-06:00

Marriage is a heart to heart relationship. A relationship of the heart is built on trust. All relationships are built on trust. Anything that hinders trust is a barrier to intimacy in marriage. Husbands and wives must be transparent to build trust and intimacy in marriage. Trust comes as a result of transparency in the relationship. The husband and wife must feel safe to be transparent. The more transparent we are with each other, the more vulnerable we become to our spouse. We can only be vulnerable when we trust our mate. There are four levels of transparency in marriage.

Volitional Transparency. This means that you are willing to give yourself completely to your spouse. Without this volitional element, building trust and experiencing intimacy becomes impossible. Sharing your dreams, desires and goals in life enhances intimacy in marriage. Any personal desire kept secret hinders real intimacy.

Mental Transparency. This means that you have no secrets from your mate. Secrets from your spouse builds a wall of separation. Sharing your thoughts with your partner provides transparency leading to intimacy. Then, there is trust and a meeting of hearts. However, it is more than sharing thoughts and ideas. It must provide understanding. Intimacy thrives when married couples understand each other.

Emotional Transparency. Feelings are shared freely. A husband wants to know what his wife is feeling in every situation. When she feels safe to share her deepest feelings, intimacy and trust are experienced. Criticism and judgmental statements hinder the atmosphere for emotional transparency. When your spouse knows that you will not pass judgment on feelings expressed, the safety is there to be open.

Spiritual Transparency. Let your spouse know your heart about spiritual matters. Worship together and pray together. Share your faith. Confess your doubts. Be open to God together. Confess your sins to each other and pray for one another. Realize that God's bond of love in your relationship is essential to fulfillment in marriage.

When we speak of intimacy in marriage, many people may think only of sexual intimacy. However, the sexual relationship can become void of genuine intimacy without a transparent relationship. Sexual intimacy is more than intercourse. Intimacy is about a real relationship of commitment, trust, and transparency. Genuine sexual intimacy is a result of a transparent relationship.

Problems in Marriage

2011-11-26T12:32:00.003-06:00

"Quick! Catch all the little foxes before they ruin the vineyard of your love, for the grapevines are all in blossom."

Song of Songs 2:15, NLT

The above verse gives an illustration common in ancient Israel which applies to marriage problems. When the season came for the grapevines to be in full bloom, the foxes were seeking a way to get into the vineyards. They had to be enclosed and guarded. So it is in marriage. Those little foxes are like problems that can ruin the love of a good marriage. They cannot be ignored. The consequences would destroy the marriage.

Problems in marriage need to be solved quickly. Pretending like everything is fine when there is a problem between husband and wife is not the solution. Problems need to be discussed openly, honestly, seeking to understand each other. "Silence is golden" is simply not true, when a marriage faces a disagreement. Withdrawing, pouting and pretending will not solve a marital problem.

There are seasons in a marriage even as there are seasons in the vineyard. Things simply cannot remain the same. When changes come in a relationship, there are new problems to confront. Saying, "Why can't it be the way it used to be?", is another way of disregarding the problems of a new season. It's good to remember the wonderful times of the past, but don't try to live in the past.

Your love in marriage requires time and attention. As the vineyard could not be ignored without ruin, so your marriage must receive the attention it needs. Taking each other for granted is one of those "little foxes" that can ruin the vineyard of your love life. Relationships must be cultivated. It takes time to grow in your love for each other. Just being too busy to spend time together can lead to many problems in marriage. Give your spouse time and attention. Your marriage will flourish.

A vineyard can be ruined by the little foxes for a season. However, there is hope for another day and a new season that the vineyard will blossom again. If your marriage has gone through a difficult time, don't give up. Focus your attention on cultivating your love to grow again. It will take time, but that new season will blossom again. It's worth the time, patience and attention. Ruined love can be restored. Don't give up. The grapevines will blossom again, so will your love.

Anger from Childhood

2011-11-25T00:00:00.016-06:00

A woman counseled with her pastor. She had anger from her childhood toward her dad. She had never expressed the anger in all those years. The pastor suggested that she talk to her dad about the problem. She began to weep and said, "I can't. He died a few months ago." Was this a problem from her past that she would never resolve? The pastor then suggested that she write a letter to her deceased dad. Obviously, her dad would never read it. The pastor wanted her to mail it to him. They would set another appointment to discuss the letter. Even though her dad was dead, she still needed to process her anger.

Points to Consider

Children need to discuss their feelings with parents. That includes anger. Bottled emotions don't go away. Children should be taught to express their anger without being disrespectful.

Anger is a part of the grief process. Anytime we suffer a loss in life, anger is one of the stages of our grief. We may fail to understand that children experience grief and anger. When a person talks through the feelings of anger, the emotion is identified, expressed and eventually resolved. When a child is not allowed to express anger, the negative emotion does not go away.

Children need to know that anger is a normal human emotion. It is not a sin to be angry. The sin comes when we lose self-control. "Don't sin by letting anger gain control over you" (Ephesians 4:26). When we are taught to express our anger properly, we don't lose self-control.

Childhood anger may require us to forgive our parents, another family member, or someone outside of the family, for harshness or even abuse. This may be expressed in prayer. It's not easy to forgive those who have hurt us, but it is a choice that brings release and inner-healing.

Unresolved anger from childhood may cause trouble in adult relationships such as marriage. Anger expressed non-directly toward others avoids the core issue. We need to confess our anger in prayer. We need to seek counsel about our anger with others who understand. This may include a professional counselor.

Family at Thanksgiving

2011-11-21T00:00:00.011-06:00

Thanksgiving is an important time for families to gather together. It's one of the most important times of the year for the family. Parents, grandparents, children and grandchildren gather around the table for a meal. It's one of the few times through the year that everyone wants to be there together. It's a time for laughter and hugs, turkey and dressing, prayer and thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving is also an emotionally charged time for the family. Not only is there joy, but for some there is sadness. They grieve the one who is no longer there because of death or divorce. It's a time for joy in being together, but it also may be a time to reconcile old family disputes. It's a time to see all the family, but also a time to get to know better those who have married into the family.

Points to Consider

Gathered with family for Thanksgiving is a time to share family memories, to laugh and enjoy experiences of the past. It may be a good time to pull out the family photo album.

Gathered with family at Thanksgiving is certainly a time to share hugs and express love, appreciation and gratitude for people who have shared the years of your life. Love needs to be expressed.

Gathered with family on Thanksgiving is also a time to remember those who are no longer there. Don't fight back the tears with those you love. Share your words and your emotions. Let love embrace those who need your support.

Gathered with family at Thanksgiving is a good time to express your faith in God. Pray together at the table, not only thanking God for the food, but for one another, and the blessings of God on your family.

Make Thanksgiving a special day for your family. Capture the moment with photographs that will be cherished for years. Realize that it's a special day, because you are with the special people in your life. Let love prevail in all you do and say.

All Families Have Conflict

2011-11-18T00:00:00.002-06:00

Her two elementary age sons got into a fight after getting home from school. When she got upstairs, they were screaming at each other. She broke it up and sent them to their rooms. Her teenage daughter was pouting with her, because they had a disagreement about a boy she wanted to date. When her husband got home, he had a terrible day at work and was in a bad mood. He spoke sharply to her, and she finally "lost it." She began to cry. He apologized to her and held her in his arms. She said to him, "Why can't we just have a happy family?"

Points to Consider

All families have conflict. As a matter of fact, conflict is a normal part of life. Even "happy families" have conflict from time to time. The family is a place to learn how to do conflict management. Make every conflict a teachable moment.

Discuss disagreements openly and honestly. Only a dysfunctional family refuses to discuss problems and disagreements. Happy families are not based on pretending everything is okay when it's not.

Learn to process anger. Accept anger as a normal human emotion. Learn how to process anger with acceptable expression. For example, admit when you are angry. Discuss why you are angry. "And don't sin by letting anger gain control over you" (Ephesians 4:26, NLT).

Love is the key to a happy family. A husband's love for his wife, and parent's love for children sets the example. "Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous, boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged . . . Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance" (1 Cor. 13:4-6). Express love to each family member through words, hugs, and actions.

Your Marriage Will Change

2011-11-16T00:00:00.005-06:00

She sat down in the counselor's office with an important question about her marriage. She asked the counselor, "How can I change my marriage?" The counselor responded, "Your marriage will change no matter what you do." She was surprised at his statement. He went on to say, "All marriages go through change because people change. You are not married to the same man who proposed to you a few years ago. He undoubtedly has changed in many ways. So have you. Plus, your circumstances in life have changed. Successful marriages are when husbands and wives adjust together to the changes in life." The counselor gave her good insight to the changing nature of people and relationships.

There are predictable transitions in any marriage. These include vocational changes, as well as geographical, financial and family changes. For instance, the birth of the first child is a major change in a marriage. Two become three. "Us" no longer means the two of us. The birth of a child means major adjustments in a relationship. Further in life, there is the mid-life crisis, changes in health, the empty nest syndrome, and moving into the senior years. All of these changes, plus many more, require adjustments in any marriage.

Some marriages don't make adjustments very well. At those times, the bond of marriage is tested. These predictable times of transition in a relationship can be emotionally volatile. They will require a couple to be unselfish, patient and understanding. Maturity in understanding is essential. It's really the most important time to focus on understanding your mate. Wives usually have a strong need to be understood. The husband who listens to his wife will be able to better understand her anxieties, frustrations and needs. If he really understands her, the relationship is able to make a better transition. Through it all, he needs to know that she respects him and needs him.

As circumstances and people change in their marriage, they need a foundation that remains sure and constant. Unconditional love is the needed foundation. Their commitment of love will be tested. For a couple to experience God's love together through worship and prayer is the unchanging factor, providing a faith in God which receives a shared stability and blessing in the marriage. God is the source of all unconditional love. We can only give what we have received. Couples who know how to receive God's love, know how to love each other unconditionally through all the changes of life.

Parents Blaming Themselves

2011-11-14T00:00:00.010-06:00

She felt like a failure as a parent. Her husband always assured her that she was a wonderful mother for their children, but she found that hard to believe. They had two teenagers, both of whom had lost interest in church. The church had been such an important part of their family life during the earlier years of their childhood. Now the teenagers had lost all interest in church and never wanted to attend. Occasionally, they attended just to make their mother happy. She was always asking her husband, "Where did I fail as a mother?" She thought that she was doing all the right things as a parent. Now she felt like a failure.

Parenting with Kingdom Purpose is a book by Richard Ross and Ken Hemphill, which looks at Bible teaching and the National Study of Youth and Religion. The study indicated that 70% of youth in the USA leave the church in the teen years. This is a survey of teenagers from evangelical churches. It indicates leaving church usually happens after high school graduation. It's at this time that what the world has to offer them often becomes more important than faith and family values. The authors offer good scriptural and practical advice.

Points to Consider

After high school graduation, peer pressure increases which leads many teenagers to go in a different direction in life. Sometime that direction is far away from their values in the family of origin. They are exposed to new ideas and lifestyles.

Teenagers have a free will and choose their own way. This does not necessarily mean that their parents have failed. They are now searching for their own identity and look at alternative lifestyles. However, positive, loving parents make an impact on teenagers that will be remembered for a lifetime.

The prodigal son (Luke 15) in no way went astray because of poor parenting. He simply tried a new direction for his life, against the values of his family. It proved to be a bad choice. He came home to family values and faith in God.

Parents need not panic when teenagers make mistakes and bad choices. It's a time for parental patience and steadfast love. Unconditional acceptance and forgiveness are traits of loving parents.

Helping teenagers discover their unique abilities, talents and ministry gifts are important. In essence, parents can be proactive in helping teenagers discover who God has made them to be. Gift inventories are available through most Christian bookstores. When teenagers know who they are in Christ, they can use their talents and gifts with a genuine sense of their God-given identity. Parents and teenagers can celebrate who God made them to be.

Resolving Family Conflict

2011-11-11T00:00:00.001-06:00

Family life together should be times of love and joy. Conflict can rob a family of the atmosphere of love and acceptance. When that happens, remember it can be restored. With God's help and open, honest discussion, conflicts can be resolved. Never forget, it is God's will for every family to experience such an atmosphere of support (Galatians 5:22-23). Families must identify the problems and openly discuss them, as they seek God's help.

Jealousy can rob a family of peace and joy. Jealousy is a response to feelings of being treated unfairly, or not having one's needs met, while others in the family receive what they need. Jealousy should be identified. The issues must be discussed. Prayer should be offered to God for help and healing.

Unforgiveness can rob a family of peace and joy. The entire family is affected by the unforgiving member. Bitterness and anger are contagious. Forgiveness is a choice that honors the will of God and the welfare of all concerned. The family member who refuses to forgive, hurts himself more than anyone else.

Grief can rob a family of joy and peace. The death of a loved one, or any kind of loss, causes us to grieve. It could be a divorce, loss of a job, circumstances forcing a move in residence, or many other situations. This is a normal human response to loss. Families grieve in times like these. Family members should be able to find support and encouragement from one another. There is hope for the joy to return after the grief has been accepted, processed through discussion and healed.

The core problem in family turmoil is often selfishness. When one member of the family must have his or her way all the time, trouble is inevitable. Resentfulness is the result. Often, family members placate such a person and pretend that nothing is wrong. A family which refuses to discuss obvious issues becomes dysfunctional. When the only goal is to avoid conflict at any cost, the resentfulness fosters bitterness, frustration and displaced anger. Silence enables the selfish person to control the situation. The silent conflict never goes away. This codependent behavior impacts every member of the family.

Conflict resolution requires identification of the real problem rather than peripheral issues. Someone must initiate dialogue with the family members involved. This should usually be one of the parents, often the husband and father. The problem is discussed seeking understanding in a normal tone of speech with love and concern. If a resolution cannot be reached, other options must be considered.

Manipulative behavior should be identified, such as pouting, screaming, prolonged silence and refusal to talk, or threats to act in such ways that will be hurtful to other family members. These are all power plays to control others rather than to talk and resolve real issues.

"The family that prays together stays together." Most of us have heard these words. As family members pray with one another, simply ask for God's help. God's grace is witnessed in family living through love, joy and peace. Some families have tried everything but praying together. We have nothing to lose when we pray together and much to gain, from the One who loves us unconditionally.

Words Build Family Life

2011-11-09T00:00:00.013-06:00

He was a successful business man. He was popular with an outgoing personality. Life seemed to be nothing but good for him. He was married with three fine children. With all the blessings that he had in life, he was constantly driven to be more successful and accumulate more wealth. Some would say that he was a "workaholic." What did he have to prove? He was driven to prove his father wrong. The "old tapes" of abusive words continued to play in his mind. His dad always tried to control him with verbal abuse. The one statement that bothered him the most was "Boy, you'll never amount to anything." Many of the statements were far worse, but that's the one which played more often in his mind. He always wanted his father's approval, but he never could receive it. His dad passed away a few years ago, but he is still driven to prove him wrong.

Words are powerful. Two chapters in the Bible are written on the power of words (Numbers 30; James 3). Words can be a blessing or a curse in the family. Parents should understand that children always need encouraging words.

The father's blessing is needed. In the ancient Hebrew society, they understood the need to receive the father's blessing. Gary Smalley wrote a nationwide best seller, The Blessing. It speaks of the need our children have to receive the parents blessing, especially from the father. Our words as parents may well last a lifetime in the minds of our children.

Avoid abusive words. We should beware of the danger of abusive words in marriage and the family. Marriages have been ruined because of a constant diet of abusive words. Children have been frustrated and bitterly discouraged because of abusive words from parents.

Use your words to build up the family. Husbands should be mindful of how much a wife needs his compliment on a new dress or the recent hairstyle. Wives should remember that a husband needs her words of appreciation and respect.

Use these words often: I love you; thank you; would you please; I'm sorry; forgive me; I want you to know how important you are to me. These are just a few of the words that should be spoken often. Words of appreciation, understanding, encouragement, and most of all love, cannot be spoken too often.

Change your words and change your family. Marriages can be saved and restored with kind, loving supportive words. Children can be encouraged and challenged to do their best with words from parents.

Speak words of approval and acceptance. Children need to be unconditionally loved and accepted by their parents. Wives need to know their value and importance to their husbands. The husband needs to know how much his wife appreciates him. Words are the vehicle to express our love and acceptance.

Pornography Addiction

2011-11-07T00:00:00.004-06:00

In the motion picture Fireproof, Caleb allows his addiction to pornography to become a problem in his marriage. The difficulties caused by his selfish attitude was a wedge between his wife and him. A change of heart in his life leads to a renewed love for his wife. He chooses to break the pornographic habit. He refocuses on loving, nurturing and caring for his wife. She is very skeptical at first about a real change in his life, however, his change of lifestyle finally convinces her. The relationship with his wife is restored. You could really say, it was better than ever.

Much of a wife's self-esteem comes from the way she is treated by her husband. If she is loved, nurtured and valued, her self-esteem rises. If she is ignored or "shut-out" by her husband, her self-esteem is challenged. When she is aware of his interest in pornography, her self-esteem can be threatened.

God designed sex to include a meaningful, loving relationship. Marriage establishes boundaries for a woman to give herself to her husband exclusively, expecting his sexual drive to be focused on her. Pornography can be a major threat to that relationship. His fantasies lead him away from the focus on that special person in his life.

Sexual intimacy is more than technique or performance. It becomes most fulfilling within the context of a loving relationship. God designed it to be more than biological function or a "recreational" activity. Sexual activity can be void of any intimacy. A wife wants to be cherished, valued and esteemed. She needs to give herself to the one who really cares for her. She feels safe with him, therefore she can give herself completely to her husband. She needs emotional intimacy.

Pornography can lead to a fantasy lust, which shuts-out a part of a husband's life from his wife. Sex was designed by God to be shared intimacy between the husband and wife (Hebrews 13:4). Pornography can build an emotional, spiritual wall between husband and wife. The bond of marriage is threatened, and real intimacy is easily forfeited. His habit may become a non-personal substitute for real intimacy.

Sexual energy and genuine intimacy can be refocused toward his wife. An authentic, intimate relationship is based on more than erotic fantasy. It is based on an unconditional love, which includes sexual intimacy as a result of a loving relationship. "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered" (1 Corinthians 13:4-5, NIV). Such love builds a lasting relationship, which provides the context for genuine intimacy.

Marriage is Companionship

2011-11-04T00:00:00.001-05:00

They got along in their marriage. Never did they have conflict. From all appearances their marriage was normal. Nevertheless, they seldom did anything together. She had her job and he had his. She had her friends and he had his. She liked to shop and spend time with other ladies at luncheons and other social functions. He liked to spend his time off from work with other guys, attending ball games, hunting and fishing. About the only thing they did together was attend church on Sunday mornings. Companionship was not a word which described their marriage.

Points to Consider

God has ordained marriage for companionship. "And the LORD God said, 'It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him" (Genesis 1:18). Married couples should enjoy the companionship of being together.

Certainly, husbands and wives need a social outlet with others. Many times, couples enjoy fellowship together. Men need to have activity with other men through sports and social gatherings. Wives likewise enjoy a social life with other women. Nevertheless, these activities should never take the place of the couple's companionship.

A healthy marriage finds a couple who enjoy being together. They do things together and go places together. When companionship is minimal, even without conflict in the marriage, something is wrong. Marriage is more than sharing a house together. It is companionship.

Companionship provides time for meaningful communication. Love includes spending quality time together. A husband wrote his wife a love letter, after being married more than twenty years. He included these words, "A lifetime is not enough to spend with you, because I love your companionship."

Happiness in Marriage

2011-11-02T00:00:00.002-05:00

She could remember the happy days in her relationship with her husband. When they were dating, it seems like they were always happy. When the engagement to marry was announced, they were thrilled with excitement and every day was one of happiness. She remembers the honeymoon and the first few months of marriage. It was a happy time for both of them.

She thought to herself, where has the happiness in marriage gone? It's now six years and two children later. Their focus is on jobs, finances, childcare and maintaining a house and two cars. They don't seem to have time for each other anymore. The schedule is packed with endless responsibilities. She hasn't told him, but she is no longer happy in the marriage, and she's afraid that he isn't either.

Mitch Temple authored the Ten Secrets to a Successful Marriage. He wrote, "Happiness is not the most important thing. Everyone wants to be happy, but happiness will come and go. Successful couples learn to intentionally do things that will bring happiness back when life pulls away." He goes on to talk about the reason which takes away happiness. "Everyday life wears away the 'feel good side of marriage.' Feelings, like happiness, will fluctuate. But, real love is based on a couple's vows of commitment: 'For better or for worse' - when it feels good and when it doesn't."

Points to Consider

Everyone wants to be happy, but happiness comes and goes. No spouse can guarantee to make you happy all the time. That is an unrealistic expectation.

Do things together that will bring happy times to your marriage. Remember the things you did in the past which brought both of you happiness. Plan for time alone together to enjoy each others company.

Expect feelings of happiness to ebb and flow. Realize that successful marriages are built on more than non-stop happiness. They are based on vows of commitment to each other. Be there for each other through days of happiness, as well as days which aren't so happy.

Accept responsibility for your own happiness. Remember, no spouse can make you happy all the time. Let your mate know how you have been made happy through the marriage.

Consider your spouse's happiness more than your own. If husband and wife want to please each other, happiness will come often. Happiness is like dancing with your spouse. It takes two.

The Blessing of Family

2011-10-31T00:00:00.008-05:00

Family is ordained of God to be a blessing. Family is a gift of God. Where there is a breakdown in family life, we see a rise in street gangs and crime. People are made to belong to family. The desire for family life is a God-given instinct. People look for support and need to belong with others. As we witness the increase of crime and violence in our nation, we are experiencing the decline of strong, healthy families.

The key to a healthy, happy family is love. The Bible describes love in First Corinthians 13:7-8. "It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." These important words describing love are a definition of a healthy family.

A loving family always protects. We all have a need for security. The family is designed to provide emotional, financial, spiritual and physical protection. Family is to be a safe place with the people who really love you. When a family fails to provide protection, it becomes dysfunctional. Where love is not experienced in the family, we may find child abuse and spouse abuse. Domestic violence and crime witness to a failed family without love.

A loving family is trustworthy. Significant and meaningful relationships are always built on trust. Those who come from dysfunctional families have trouble trusting others. Love provides relationships which are trustworthy. We find it safe to trust others who really love us.

A loving family gives hope. The healthy family always encourages with hope and perseverance. The fear of failure causes children to give up at school and other pursuits of life. Loving parents provide hope which encourages children to succeed in life. This builds strength of character, because they are loved.

The source of love is God. The faith and values of healthy, happy families is in a personal relationship with God. Children first learn about God from their parents. They provide a role model of God's love. Children need to be taught that God loves them. This love is demonstrated to them through the love of parents.

Change Your Marriage

2011-10-28T00:00:00.005-05:00

She was constantly looking for a new book on romance and marriage. She already had quite a collection at home. It included some of the best authors on marriage and family. After she read her newest volume, then she got her husband to promise to the read the book. Of course, she always had the important things underlined and highlighted. He would scan the books, of course, looking at everything underlined and highlighted. Then, she would ask him questions about the book, but she only got frustrated and angry, when he didn't have the answers that she wanted.

One day she got so frustrated about her marriage, that she gathered all the books together and took them to the dumpster. She made a vow to herself. This is it. I give up. He just doesn't get it. A few weeks later, she suddenly had a thought that she was less frustrated about her marriage. Oh, don't misunderstand. Nothing had changed with him, but she had made a change. She gave up on trying to change him.

Mitch Temple wrote an outstanding article on principles for a successful marriage. One of them stated, "You can change your marriage by changing yourself. Veteran couples have learned that trying to change their spouse is like trying to push a rope - almost impossible. Often, the only person we can change in our marriage is ourselves." Another point that Temple makes is along the same line. "Change your mind, change your marriage. How couples think and what they believe about their spouse matters greatly.

Trying to change your spouse is an almost impossible task. People only change when they want to change. Try to understand your spouse's attitudes and actions.

Trying to change your spouse often leads to more frustration and anger. Expressing those negative feelings must be done in a way not to put your spouse on the defensive. "You" messages will do just that. The "I" message is important. Not what's wrong with you, but I feel this way.

Pretended change on the part of a spouse just to satisfy your wishes is short-lived at best, only adding to more frustration and conflict.

We may choose to change our own thoughts and behavior. That's where books on marriage can have good advice for us. The volumes may introduce new thoughts or suggestions for personal change.

Engage your spouse in conversation about your feelings and thoughts. Help your marriage partner to understand you. Be transparent and open. Speak from your heart. This is far different than trying to force your spouse to change.

Those In-Laws of Yours

2011-10-26T00:00:00.002-05:00

He was so in love with his wife. They really did have a good marriage. They were blessed with two fine sons. Everything was well in the family, except his relationship with his mother-in-law. He felt that she never had really accepted him. Maybe he wasn't what she wanted in a son-in-law. Maybe he didn't make enough money. He wasn't really sure what it was, but he was always uncomfortable around her. He never said much to his wife about it. He didn't want his mother-in-law to be a negative issue between them.

We get to choose our mate, but the in-laws come with the marriage. Remember, those in-laws are important to your spouse. To understand your mate, you need to understand all you can about the family of origin.

Interpreting the behavior of others is risky. You may think that you are not accepted, when the issue is not you at all. We never know what's bothering another person, unless they choose to tell us. Also, be careful about projecting your feelings on to other people. They may not be thinking about you at all.

Honor your in-laws, especially your spouse's parents. The parents from the family of origin should always be honored. This is God's will (Ephesians 6:2-3). You can honor a person without being in agreement.

Pray that God will fill you with love for that challenging person (1 Corinthians 13:4-7). If God's love through us does not change a relationship, it's very unlikely that anything will.

Understand your in-laws through your spouse's eyes. Happiness in marriage has much to do with understanding your spouse's role in the family of origin. Many of our present behavior patterns were formed in the earlier years of life.

Don't become needy for the acceptance of others. Some people can't accept us, because they have never accepted themselves. A healthy self-esteem comes from knowing that God has accepted us as we are in Christ (Ephesians 1:3-4).

Remember, only God can change people. Learn to accept others as they are. Treat others as you would want to be treated (Matthew 7:12). We call it the Golden Rule. It's value has not changed.

A New Mother

2011-10-24T00:00:00.002-05:00

She had just become a mother. She and her husband were so excited about being parents. They had prayed for several years that God would bless them with a child. The joy of a new-born child was wonderful. However, she was nervous about the responsibility of being a mother. She was sometimes afraid that she may not know what to do in every situation. She loved her baby so much that she wanted to be the "perfect mother."

Her husband tried to reassure her that she would be a wonderful mother. He knew how much that she loved the baby. When she became anxious and fretful, he always embraced her and said, "Our baby is so blessed to have a wonderful, loving mother like you." She needed her husband's help and reassurance, and he never withheld his tender, gentle support.

Points to Consider

The new mother has normal anxieties about caring for her baby. She needs the support of her husband emotionally, spiritually and practically in caring for their child.

Sometimes the father of a new-born child feels neglected by his wife. The husband-wife relationship changes out of necessity in caring for the baby. Our father in the story wisely understood that his wife needed him more than ever. He was there for her.

The new mother needs to understand that her baby needs to develop trust within the first 18 months of life. The baby is developing trust in the mother that will be generalized with others (Erickson's Psychosocial Theory). The husband-father needs to be patient and understanding during the bonding of mother-child.

All relationships are built upon trust. Even our relationship with God must be built upon trust. Let me suggest that the husband-father pray with the mother and baby that God will bless that mother-child relationship.

The mother in our story will do well with her baby. She has the heart of a mother. Her baby will safely trust in her. The precious early months will pass fast. The baby will find her to be trust-worthy.

Make Your Marriage Work

2011-10-21T00:00:00.013-05:00

Making a marriage work is the responsibility of both husband and wife. One spouse alone cannot make a marriage work. Have you ever known of a marriage where one partner was doing everything to make it work, but the other spouse did nothing? Such a marriage is in trouble. One person alone does not a marriage make.

There is great advice in the Bible which can make a marriage work, Romans 14:19. "Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification." Three things are suggested to improve the relationship. Let's apply them to marriage. First, making your marriage work requires effort. It doesn't just happen. Secondly, there is a goal in the relationship to maintain peace. Selfishness is the chief culprit which destroys peace in a relationship. Thirdly, mutual edification is so important. It is building one another in self-esteem and respect. Words are powerful. With words we can encourage and build up our spouse, or we can put the partner down and destroy the relationship. The choice is with each one.

Marriage must be seen as a mutual relationship. It's not what's best for one partner, it's what's best for us. Each one should be sensitive and understanding of the spouse's feelings and opinions. Let any disagreements be a time for conversation and prayer. Seek to understand your mate. Power plays and manipulation never really work, even when you may think that they have.

You can make your marriage work as a couple, when both of you choose the way of peace and mutual edification. It's about "us" and not "me." When both husband and wife choose loving principles of mutual concern, edification and peace, that marriage is sure to work. It always takes two to make any marriage work. Marriage is like a see-saw. It always takes two people doing their part to make it work. It can be fun again when both partners are working on each side to keep things moving, lifting the other one with words and deeds of love.

Summary

1. Any marriage can work when both husband and wife do their part.
2. Marriage is always a mutual relationship considering each other.
3. Marriage should always seek for peace in the relationship.
4. Build your partner's self-esteem through words of affirmation.

Children of Divorce

2011-10-19T00:00:00.004-05:00

William T. Smith, director of Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation, has written a booklet on divorce recovery. His booklet entitled, Divorce Recovery: Practical Strategies for Change, is an excellent resource for anyone dealing with divorce in the family. Smith writes from the perspective of an experienced counselor in marriage and family issues. The booklet offers valuable suggestions in helping children with the divorce of their parents.

William T. Smith has five practical suggestions in helping children with a divorce in the family. First of all, model your faith as you listen and talk. Children need to be able to ask questions. They need to be able to express their emotions. Talking about it is part of the healing process. Issues like fear, anger, and grief need to be discussed. He advises that parents should make sure that they talk on the age level of the child.

The second suggestion is to use the Psalms in dealing with emotions and the pain. An example given is Psalm 13. There we find the cry and struggle to understand, as well as personal trust in God through it all. Verse 2 deals with the struggle of thoughts with sorrow. Verse 5 is about a trust in God through it all. There is a drawing near to God, asking for his help.

A third suggestion is a warning not to use a child as a pawn in the battle between divorcing parents. Smith declares that it is wrong and children will resent it. The parent trying to win a child as an ally against the other parent is being unfair to the child. This is a needed word through any divorce. Children should not be called upon to judge a parent. God has called children to honor both parents (Ephesians 6:1-3).

Fourth, don't try to hide your feelings and struggle from your children. They will know when a parent is struggling with anger and bitterness. On the other hand, divorced parents should be careful how they express their emotions about the former spouse. Words may be spoken in anger that would have a long range affect on the child.

Finally, pray with your children. They need to know that God will help us in times of need. Praying with children also helps them to learn to trust God. Pray with your children and for them. They need your prayers in facing the divorce of their parents.

Influence of Parents

2011-10-17T00:00:00.004-05:00

She didn't understand much about parenting with her children. Remembering her parents style wasn't very helpful. She could remember a passive father, when it came to discipline and correction. His parenting style was to do the essentials. She couldn't remember him saying, "I love you." Her mother was a fearful person, who had to be in control. The mother seldom corrected or disciplined her, and when she did, it was an angry explosion of words followed by a long, cold silence. Occasionally, her mother expressed love in words, but seldom. Now, she's a mother without a model to follow in parenting her own children. She just knows one thing, she doesn't want to parent her children in the way she was parented.

Parenting affects all of our relationships. The way we were parented affects our self-esteem. If we didn't receive the love that we needed from our parents, our self-esteem can easily suffer loss. Am I a person of value? If my parents did not express love for me in word and deed, I could easily think that my value as an individual is not worth much.

Parenting affects our relationship with God. The Bible teaches that "God is love" (1 John 4:8, 16). The first way that we should experience God's love is through our parents. The parent-child relationship should be a bond of love. Our parent-child relationship with God is a bond of love, unconditional love. Without receiving the love that we need from our parents, makes it harder to believe that God loves us.

Parenting affects us as parents. If the parenting model we received in our family of origin was loving and kind, our parenting style has a healthy model to follow. If we experienced a negative style of parenting, it would be easy for us to follow the same pattern, or become confused about a healthy pattern.

Parenting often affects our view of discipline. Parents are to provide boundaries and training for their children. This includes discipline and correction. God's style of discipline and correction is parenting by love (Hebrews 12:5-11). Love patiently corrects and trains. It requires time, attention and energy. Love provides discipline which really cares enough to correct a child.

Parenting affects us for the rest of our lives. Both abusive and passive parents create problems for children that can be serious. It may require us to forgive our parents, to see their mistakes and make changes in our own parenting style. Even if we had good parents, there are no perfect parents.

Parenting often affects our success in life. Children need support and encouragement. They have developmental tasks to complete. They may become discouraged and afraid to really try. The attention and encouragement of parents makes a difference in the lives of children today and in all of their tomorrows. They need to know that their parents are for them. They need the security of unconditional love.

The Perfect Marriage?

2011-10-14T00:00:00.003-05:00

There are no perfect marriages, because there are no perfect people. Love overcomes the imperfections in marriage. Love "keeps no record of when it has been wronged." The perfectionist comes into a marriage with unrealistic expectations. "And they lived happily ever after" is the expectation of a perfectionist. Truth is, there are happy times and sad times in marriage, even mad times. Perfectionism never works in intimate relationships, because the expectation level is far too high.

Dr. Alan Entin did a research study on perfectionism with 76 couples. He discovered unhappy marriages where the expectation level was too high. The perfectionist was focused on a "magical fantasy" in marriage. Perfectionism may work on the job, but not in intimate relationships. The perfectionist uses sarcasm and nagging in dealing with marital problems. The perfectionist becomes unhappy in the marriage, because the expectations are unreasonable.

Recognize perfectionism as a real enemy of your marriage. If only one partner is a perfectionist, it leads both husband and wife to an unhappy relationship. Love is not built on perfectionism. "Love does not demand its own way."

If you are a perfectionist, admit it. Ask your spouse to help you deal with the problem. If both of you are perfectionists, help each other to identify examples of the problem. Do so in loving kindness. Ask for God's help and love in your marriage. "God is love." That's the reason He is so patient with us.

Avoid sarcasm and nagging. They don't work. They make a bad situation worse. Realize that nagging and sarcasm are tools of perfectionism. Ask your mate to forgive your sarcasm and nagging. Look for the positive things in your marriage. Compliment your spouse for the things you appreciate.

Dr. Alan Entin suggests establishing "attainable goals" in your marriage. Refuse to let perfectionism lead you into unrealistic expectations. It is setting your marriage up for failure.

Build your marriage on real love. More than romantic or erotic passion is a love which is unconditional. It's the God-kind of love. "Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged" (First Corinthians 13:5, NLT).

Teaching Family Finances

2011-10-12T00:00:00.002-05:00

Children need to be taught about family finances. You can't start too early. It is important to warn of two dangers. The first danger is greed and irresponsibility in spending. The horror stories on this subject are many. The other danger is fear and hoarding. While responsibility in finances is a mark of maturity, fear in finances is always detrimental no matter how much you save. There is a healthy balance in family finances. Couples need to understand it and practice it. Children need to be taught through a good example. They can learn early in life how to manage their own allowance.

Family finances need to be budgeted. What are your expected expenses? Things like house and car payments are constant. Utilities, groceries and clothing are necessities. The extras come only after the necessities are included. Those necessities must include health insurance, as well as homeowners and auto insurance. Put the budget on paper. Let the husband and wife see the facts. It avoids unnecessary friction. Facts are facts. Don't wait until a crisis to look at the facts.

Family finances should include goals. When the couple have financial goals, it's a unifying factor. Goals could include saving for a vacation, continuing education, or even an early retirement. Goals which are mutually agreed upon are important for the family. Unexpressed goals are guaranteed to cause trouble.

Family finances require discipline. No matter how much your income may be, when expenditures exceed income you're in the red. Discipline is necessary. It provides confidence and security. Spending habits are a good barometer on the degree of discipline in our lives. The undisciplined person can never make enough income. The disciplined person can have peace of mind. This also provides financial peace in the family.

Family finances should include savings. It's not always possible to save. When it is possible to save, it gives further assurance for any unexpected expenditures. An emergency fund can avoid much unnecessary tension when an unexpected cost arrives. Joseph was a man who predicted seven good years and seven lean years for Egypt in the book of Genesis, chapter 41. He advised to prepare for the lean years. His wisdom was received and beneficial to all. Families will have good years and lean years.

Family finances should include charitable giving. Generosity is a virtue that children need to be taught. Giving unselfishly produces strength of character. Christian families need to learn the blessings of tithing, giving a tenth to God's work (Genesis 14:20; 28:18-20; Malachi 3:10; Matthew 23:23; Hebrews 7). Families of faith honor God with the first fruits in all things.

Couples in Financial Conflict

2011-10-10T00:00:00.002-05:00

They seldom got into an argument, but one night became the exception. He wanted to buy a new truck, and his wife thought it was ridiculous. They were doing their best to pay the bills with both of them working. He was convinced that they could do it. She thought the payment on the new car, with all the other bills, was as much as they could handle. The volume of their conversation got louder and louder that night, until he announced, "I don't need your signature. Mine will be enough." She exploded with that comment.

Did he buy the new truck? Take a guess. Well, if you said no, you were right. He didn't get the truck, but the pouting started and continued. So did the wise cracks and sharp statements. The financial issue put a strain on their relationship. If she bought anything after that, he had something critical to say. Finally, she screamed one day, "Go ahead and buy the stupid truck." He did. It did put the family budget under a real strain. Their relationship was just not the same.

Points to Consider

Financial problems in marriage are one of the leading causes of divorce. Disagreements about debt and expenditures can take a toll on a good relationship. An intimate marriage relationship is far more important than a new car or truck. Financial conflict often comes from a deeper problem in the marriage.

Regardless of how much income a couple have, the budget must control the expenses. The time to talk about financial issues is before the problem arises. Over extending debt can cause stress that takes a toll on the marriage.

Marriage is for adults. Mature adults understand their limitations and live within them. Childish behavior can be the root cause of financial issues. In essence, we can't have everything that we want. "When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child, but when I became a man, I put away childish things" (1 Cor. 13:11).

Financial decisions require an adult to adult transaction. Pouting and screaming at each other certainly indicates a child to child transaction. It's then all about emotions and reason is lost.

The Bible has good advice about avoiding useless arguments. "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" (Proverbs 15:1). Remember, it takes two for any argument to continue.

Stages in a Relationship

2011-10-07T00:00:00.002-05:00

Years ago a couple came to my office for premarital counseling. Their minds were made up that they were right for each other. The attraction between them seemed to be very strong. They had been dating for only a short time. I began to see warning signals in their relationship. They asked for a date on the calendar to be married in our chapel. As they left my office, I had a serious question about them. Will this marriage take place?

His mother called me three weeks later and told me that the wedding had been canceled. I was not really surprised. In their relationship, they had jumped from strong attraction to engagement. There are three more important stages between those two which help insure a lasting relationship.

Points to Consider

There are five stages in courtship. Each one is important in predicting the future as far as marriage. These include attraction, exclusiveness, intimacy, doubt and engagement.

Attraction alone will not make for a happy and healthy relationship in marriage. Of course, attraction is necessary to begin a relationship. A man is attracted by her appearance. A woman is often attracted by his personality, confidence and understanding.

A relationship built on initial attraction alone is destined to fail. It may last as long as 18 months to two years. In the case I discussed, it didn't last nearly that long.

Exclusiveness and intimacy which is mental and emotional, leads to a more sustained relationship. The couple begin to know each other at a more transparent level. A bond between the two is being formed.

All healthy relationships go through a doubt stage. Better to experience this stage before marriage than after. Is this really the person for me? That question must be answered in the doubt stage.

The engagement stage is for the couple and the families to adjust to each other, foreseeing the couple as husband and wife. Relationships with future in-laws begin to develop.

If this is the right person to marry, God's providence is confirming the relationship along the way, until the minister says, "What God hath joined together, let not man put asunder."

Permissive Parenting

2011-10-03T00:00:00.005-05:00

Psychological research consistently shows that children do best with authoritative parenting. This includes high levels of warmth balanced with high levels of control. Children appear to be more adjusted with known boundaries of behavior which are consistent, which likewise includes parental love freely expressed.

A permissive style of parenting can be confusion to many children. It doesn't give clear-cut boundaries. The child becomes confused about acceptable behavior. Often this could cause a lack of security. The permissive parenting style could be a failure of parents to accept responsibility. Another factor could be the lack of a model from their own parents. Yet another reason may be a fear of being rejected by the child. This exploits a personality flaw within the parent.

Points to Consider

Parents should be deliberate and consistent in their parenting style. Self-examination is helpful for the parents. What parenting style did they experience as children?

The mother and father should be in agreement on a parenting style. Disagreement in this area sends children a mixed signal causing confusion. A permissive parent seeking a child's approval, with the other parent using an authoritative style, can create confusion and constant conflict in the family.

The results of permissive parenting should be considered. The development and adjustment of children are at stake. Permissive parenting can be a refusal to accept responsibility.

Love is the key to being a successful parent. Love corrects and disciplines for the child's good and growth in developmental tasks. Love accepts responsibility for teaching, correcting and encouraging children.

Addiction in Your Family

2011-09-30T00:00:00.005-05:00

Drug and alcohol addiction is a problem that many families must face. It is never just an individual problem. It's always a family problem, because it impacts every member of the family. Many families choose to keep it a secret. This eventually leads a family to codependent behavior, motivated by fear of circumstances getting out of control. Loving members of the family may actually become enablers to the one who stubbornly refuses to change. The secret stays in the family, fearing what others may think or say.

Points to Consider

Drug and alcohol addiction has lifetime memories and problems for the entire family. Codependent behavior begins in childhood with those who fearfully maintain the family secret. The great fear of codependency is losing control. Understand that addiction is a family problem.

Drug and alcohol addiction is a bio-chemical problem. Professional help is needed. The addiction takes control of the person, becoming a form of bondage. Will-power is not the solution. Medical help is available.

Drug and alcohol addiction is a domestic problem which can lead to spouse abuse and divorce. Separation may be necessary to avoid physical abuse or violence. Threats and promises may be made to keep an abused spouse or child from leaving, but such promises are short lived. Threats may be carried out. It may be necessary to leave.

Drug and alcohol addiction is a financial problem. The results often leave a person unable to sustain employment resulting in financial difficulty for the entire family. Financial problems are one of the three leading causes of divorce in the USA.

Drug and alcohol addiction is a spiritual problem. God's help is available through prayer. The addicted person must honestly be willing to make a change of lifestyle. The addicted person must see the personal consequences, as well as those to other family members. Self-centeredness must be seen as a destructive pattern of living. Asking for God's grace through Christ is the focus of prayer.

Overcoming alcohol and drug addiction is a day by day decision. Accountability to others, and support groups are needed. Such support can be found through the family, the church and groups which focus on overcoming addictions.

Tough love is required from the family. The addicted family member must be held responsible for personal behavior. The family must refuse to play the role of enablers to the addictive lifestyle.

Without a Family Bond

2011-09-28T00:00:00.003-05:00

His wife began to notice that her husband had trouble bonding with their children. He was good to them, but there seemed to be an emotional, parental disconnect with them. Then, she began to observe, painfully I may add, that her husband was not really bonded with her. For years she just pushed those thoughts aside, but it became more and more obvious to her. Finally, she couldn't help notice that there was no apparent bonding with his parents. They were good to him, and he was always politely nice to them, but the disconnect was obvious.

Over the years she accepted the disconnect with her husband, but she really grieved the lack of a bond with their children. She would often make excuses for him. It sounded this way, "You're dad is a good man and he really loves you, but he doesn't know how to show it like some people." She tried to help him in his parental role, but it just never really worked.

God has made families with a bond of love. When there is no apparent bond, something is wrong. Some people have real trouble bonding with anyone. Psychologists have done extensive research on this subject. Some studies indicate a deficiency in early childhood with the mother-child relationship.

The family unit is begun with the loving bond between the wife and husband. The minister says at the wedding, "What God hath joined together, let not man put asunder." This speaks of the blessing of God in bonding the man and his wife.

The person who cannot bond with his family needs help. He or she often feels isolated and lonely. Depression may be a common characteristic, even if it is covered with a smile. The person may be intently private. Nobody really knows who he or she is. Without family bonding, there is an identity problem.

Confronting a person about being disconnected with family often results in denial. It is painful to admit. A response like this will often be heard, "That's just the way I am." Another response may be, "Well, that's just the way God made me." No, God made people to bond with family. It's a basic human need.

A person who cannot bond with family is not to be confused with a person who simply has a shy, quiet, introverted personality. Such a person may have a strong family bond.

We all have a need to bond with God spiritually. This is a bond of love with our heavenly Father. We receive his love for us. He is able to give us the ability to bond with others. God has made all of us to love and be loved. This is his good will for our lives.

Dads Who Encourage

2011-09-26T00:00:00.005-05:00

The teenage boy played on the Junior Varsity football team. He wanted to be a running back. He took the practice seriously and listened carefully to his coach. His dad attended most of his games. After each game, the dad was quick to tell his son what he did wrong. He pointed out every mistake that he made. There was never any encouragement from his dad, only complaints about what he did wrong.

When the next football season was approaching, his dad asked, "Son, when does football practice start?" The son said, "Dad, I don't know. I really don't want to play any more." Then, his dad criticized him for being a quitter. The son waited until his dad was finished talking, then he quietly left the room. He never played football again.

Points to Consider

Not all young men have the athletic ability to play football, but all children need their parents approval and affirmation. Children need correction, but they also need encouragement. Children need a dad to encourage them.

"Fathers, don't aggravate your children. If you do, they will become discouraged and quit trying" (Colossians 3:21, NLT). Encouraging dads motivate their children.

The words of parents to their children are powerful. Those words can last a lifetime. Critical words can cause a child to quit trying. Encouraging words can motivate children to do their best. Dad's encouraging words do make a difference.

Failure is discouraging enough without being constantly criticized. When a child fails at any endeavor, they need encouragement more than ever. They need to know that parents understand how it feels to fail. God bless dads who encourage their children through difficult times.

Putting pressure on children through criticism is not a good way to motivate them. They need more support in failure than in success. Positive comments reinforce accomplishments. Encouraging comments help children to keep trying. Dad's words can motivate a child to succeed.

Mother-Daughter Relationship

2011-09-23T00:00:00.002-05:00

The importance of the mother-daughter relationship cannot be overstated for better or worse. Hopefully, it is for better. Nevertheless, even a poor relationship between a mother and daughter has a lifetime impact. The mother gives the daughter a living definition of who a woman is, and how she views her world. Her relationship with mother affects her as a wife and a mother. She needs her mother as a role model in both areas. She needs her mother's approval, affirmation and support.

A mother-daughter relationship is a strong lifetime bond. The relationship changes over the years from childhood to teen years, and into the adult years. One thing does not change. She still needs her mother's affirmation and support.

A mother-daughter relationship can be painful when the mother is critical, judgmental and disapproving. A mother's rejection can be devastating. However, a mother's approval and support encourages positive self-esteem and confidence.

Seldom will a daughter tell her mother how much she needs her approval, but the need is strong. The influence of a mother is of great value. When the mother sees her role as encouraging and supporting her daughter, she will know that she is always needed.

A daughter's success in marriage is greatly influenced by her mother's marriage. The way her mother views men has influenced her daughter in the formative years. Even if the daughter chooses to be different from her mother, the unconscious influence is there.

The mother-daughter relationship is unlike any other. No one can take her mother's place. The daughter always needs to connect with her, seeking advice, encouragement and understanding. The mother who becomes afraid that she is not needed after marriage should be assured, that even though the role has changed in terms of developmental tasks, nevertheless she will always be needed as a source of strength and support.

As the mother ages, the role takes a different turn in life. The mother now needs the daughter's affirmation and support. However, the daughter still needs the mother to be there for her. The bond still gives her a satisfying connection to her identity.

When the mother-daughter relationship is deficient in any area, seldom can the daughter change it for better. A daughter may simply pretend that it is what it is not. However, some daughters find a surrogate mother who understands and provides support.

If your mother has been there for you as a daughter, let her know it, and please do so often. Her love for you as a daughter is priceless. Her affirmation and approval are blessings to cherish. There's nobody like your mother.

Memories of Child Abuse

2011-09-21T00:00:00.021-05:00

She had many good memories from her childhood, but she also had some memories that needed to be blocked out of her conscious mind. She had been sexually abused as a child. It was a secret that she had carried with her all these years. She had discussed it with no one. Who would believe her?

The sexual abuse from childhood had an impact on her marriage, even though her husband knew nothing about it. She couldn't help but think that sex was nasty and should be avoided as much as possible. It brought back such terrible memories. Her husband was often frustrated because of their sexual relationship. He thought that she just really didn't love him. He did not know the truth.

Now, her daughter was about the same age as the mother was when she was sexually abused. This caused many bad memories to surface. Again, no one must know. She was very protective of her daughter. She couldn't stand the thoughts of her daughter going through the same nightmare.

Points to Consider

Sexual abuse of a child can, and often does, ruin a person's life. Yet, help is available. There is a need for professional help, as well as spiritual help. Family understanding and support is needed.

The person who was sexually abused often carries a burden of shame, as well as a fear of anyone knowing. The memories may be suppressed, but they are still there. The victim can feel isolated and often depressed.

A licensed professional counselor is needed, and often there is the need for psychiatric help. Fear of sharing the past with anyone can hinder the victim from getting needed help.

Pastoral care is needed, as the victim is enabled to come to a point of forgiveness. This is not an easy thing to do. It requires a journey toward healing. Forgiveness releases the victim from the emotional bondage of the past. Only God's grace through the Spirit of Christ can bring the victim to this point.

The secret of the past abuse hinders the victim from having a healthy, fulfilling marriage, not only sexually, but also in emotional transparency. The abuse of the past robs the victim of self-fulfillment in the marriage which God intends.

Desperate for Acceptance

2011-09-18T16:39:00.000-05:00

Her sister was two years older. She remembered how popular her sister was in high school. She was on the honor roll, homecoming queen, head cheerleader and excelled in everything that she did. Not so with the younger sister. She didn't get along with people very well. She was shy and withdrawn. Her grades were just not good. She had to repeat several courses in summer school. She seldom was asked for a date. The younger sister felt like a failure, that she was good for nothing.

The college years for the sisters was more of the same. The older sister went to college on a scholarship. She was invited to join a sorority. Her friends were many and her days were happy. Two years later, when the younger sister started to college, things went from bad to worse. Her grades were poor. She was put on academic probation. She felt rejection, because no sorority wanted her. Finally, she found some people to befriend. They introduced her to a lifestyle that included illegal drugs. Her grades only got worse, until she had to drop out of school. She left her old friends, but the drug addiction became a pattern in her life. She felt like a failure at everything. The drug addiction numbed the pain of failure and rejection.

Points to Consider

The younger sister's main problem was not drug addiction, but her low self-image and perhaps self-rejection. She compared her life constantly to her older sister, and she never felt like she measured up to her.

Comparing ourselves to other people is a dangerous trap. It causes us to reject ourselves. That leads to many other problems. God has made each one of us uniquely different. We have different talents and abilities. When we consider that we are God's creation, we can say to him, "I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works" (Psalm 139:14).

Seeking acceptance at any cost can lead us into some dangerous habits and the wrong lifestyle. "Do not be deceived. Bad company ruins good morals" (1 Cor. 15:33). Becoming desperate for acceptance makes us vulnerable.

Everyone should identify their personality strengths and God-given talents. Then, we are able to develop and excel in our areas of ability. Sibling rivalry in the family of origin can set us up for failure.

There is excellent counseling, rehabilitation programs and support groups for those who are snared by addictive behavior, but the origin and underlying cause of such behavior should be identified and changed. Most of all, God's love, grace and acceptance is important in a personal relationship with the one who made us.

Express Your Love

2011-09-12T23:40:00.000-05:00

Communication is the key to any successful relationship. Especially is it true in marriage. It's possible for a husband and wife to be in love with each other, but they are just not very good at expressing it. Someone has said, "A song is not a song until you sing it." I want to say, love is not love until you express it. Learning how to express love in marriage is the key. Love must be communicated.

Express love in marriage with eye to eye contact. In the marriage ceremony, the minister most often asks the bride and groom to face each other as they speak their vows. Eye to eye contact is intimate. If your marriage has little or no eye to eye contact, there is a problem.

Express love with hugs and kisses. Daily hugs do not always have to be sexual in nature. Don't let the kisses be only as you leave for work in the morning. Hugs and cuddling nurtures the bond of marriage. You remember, "to have and to hold from this day forward."

Telephone calls during the day to your spouse are important. If for no other reason, just call to say, "I love you." Don't let the calls be only about giving and asking for factual information. Ask questions like, "How is your day going?"

Let the husband comment about his wife's new hairstyle or clothes. She really does want to know what he thinks. She needs his approval and affirmation. That is expressing loving care.

Communicate with cards and letters. Don't wait until special occasions. An unexpected love note or letter could mean far more.

Gifts communicate love. Again, don't wait until special, expected occasions. An unexpected gift can mean much more. They don't always have to be expensive. They do send an important message; "I am thinking about you."

Hold hands when you walk together. You never get too old to hold hands when you are in love. Let the husband open doors for her. It's a simple way of saying, "I want to take care of you."

Make sure that the sexual relationship communicates tender-loving care (1 Cor. 7:1-5). Eye contact is important. Tenderness and gentleness communicates heart-felt love.

Family Financial Problems

2011-09-10T00:00:00.005-05:00

Financial problems put heavy stress on marriages and families. Because financial problems is one of the three leading causes of divorce, it is important for couples to be proactive about family finances.

A certain couple had a good marriage, but financial difficulties put great stress on their marriage. They over spent their income and lived on extended credit. When the husband lost his job, the stress became terrible. He actively looked for a job without success. He wasn't lazy. He took any opportunity that he found to make money, but he still couldn't find a regular job. The stress became so unbearable, that they did something they had never done before. They prayed together asking for God's help. Even though they had often attended church together, they had never prayed together. Within a few weeks, a job opened for him. They believed it was an answer to their prayer. The financial problem had become a blessing. It brought them closer together and closer to God.

Agree on a family budget. No matter how much you make, there has to be a limit on expenditures. When expenses exceed income, problems arise quickly. Learn to live within your income.

Find and eliminate wasteful spending. Most every family spends money on unnecessary items. Consider the amount of the absolute essentials. See if there is any wasteful spending. Establish your priorities.

Pray about your finances. God cares about every aspect of your marriage. Prayer is a way to express our requests to God. Jesus taught us to pray about our needs, when he taught us to pray, "Give us this day our daily bread." He may not give us everything that we want, but he cares about our needs.

Honor God with a tithe of your income. The tithe is a tenth. We honor God with the first tenth, that he may bless all that we have (Genesis 14:20; Malachi 3:10; Matthew 23:23; Hebrews 7:1-8). It is an act of faith and obedience. Try the tithe. See what God will do through your obedience. Prove the promise of God (Malachi 3:10).

Thank God for what you have. It's easy to complain about what we don't have. It's better to thank God for what we do have. God multiplied the loaves and fish for the people in the ministry of Jesus, after he gave thanks to our Father for what they did have (John 6:11).

Happy Marriages

2011-09-06T18:08:00.000-05:00

Over the years, since I was doing my doctoral work in marriage and family, I have read many books on the marriage relationship. More than that, I have observed happy marriages. No doubt, there are characteristics that appear in healthy relationships. All marriages go through stressful times and difficult situations. Healthy marriages survive and thrive through it all. For the most part, they are happy relationships.

Commitment is a word that describes happy marriages. This provides security in the relationship. The couple are transparent and vulnerable to each other. There are no secrets between them. They work out their problems together. Their commitment is more than a legalistic attitude to marriage. It is a bond of love that assures them that they are meant for each other. They cannot think of life apart.

Communication is an essential for a happy marriage. It is open communication in every area. They feel comfortable talking with each other about everything. They make decisions and plans f together. They know the thoughts of the other one on all significant issues. They communicate more than facts. They communicate on an emotional, intimate level. They always listen to each other and continue to discuss any disagreement until it is resolved. The couple communicates their love for each other in words, actions and gifts. They reassure and affirm each other.

Common denominators are important in a happy marriage. We have often heard that opposites attract. That may be true in some situations, but common denominators are important to strengthen the bond of marriage. Their faith and family values are in agreement. Their parenting style is agreed. Their view of family finances coincides. The couple has agreed on goals and plans for the future. They are walking the same path in life. They enjoy being together, sharing the same interests.

Companionship is a key to happy marriages. That is to say, they really love being together. The couple does not like to be apart. They are involved in every area of each others lives. There is no part of life which puts a wall between them. When friends think about them, they think in terms of them together. They intend to spend as much time together as possible. When they must be apart, they telephone each other to keep in touch. They energize each other and need each other.

Successful Parents

2011-09-03T00:00:00.006-05:00

Successful parents are not perfect parents. Neither do they have perfect children. Over the years I have read much about parenting. I have been around parents whom I have admired. There are several things that I have noticed about successful parenting. There seems to be several characteristics of parents who excel with their children. They have a good relationship with their children who make good adjustments in life.

LOVE is the theme of successful parents. Their children know that they are loved unconditionally. Children will misbehave, make poor choices and have problems. The key is the way parents respond. Loving parents correct, discipline and train their children. The motive is always loving concern. Children with parents like these understand that they are loved regardless of the problem. Loving parents are not permissive parents. They provide boundaries and require obedience, but their children always know that they are loved.

CONSISTENCY is a trait of successful parents. Their children are not confused about what their parents expect. The boundaries of expectation are clear. They provide security for the child by providing consistent, clear expectations. The actions and attitudes of the parents become predictable. The discipline and training is consistent, as well as the loving care.

EXAMPLE is the power of a successful parent. It's not just do what I say, but it is an example that makes an impression on a child for a lifetime. For example, a minister asked a man why he became a Christian. He said, "It wasn't so much about the sermons that I heard, but it was more about the way my mother lived. Her life was an example to me of what a Christian should be." The power of example cannot be disputed. The influence of parents on their children says more than words.

UNDERSTANDING is a characteristic of successful parents. Children need to be understood in their developmental tasks for each stage of growth. Parents must understand what their children think and feel. Understanding their gender needs is important. The frustration level of a child is lowered just knowing that a parent understands. Loving parents understand how to help their children with specific needs.

COMMUNICATION is an important part of parenting. This is more than talking to a child. It is also listening. Children need to know that they can express their thoughts, anxieties and problems without getting in trouble. They must feel safe to communicate openly with parents. Understanding is facilitated by active listening. Successful parents have children who can talk to their parents about anything.

In a Silent Divorce

2011-08-31T00:00:00.008-05:00

When bitterness becomes the characteristic of a marriage, the relationship is probably in a silent divorce. There is a breakdown in real communication other than factual information. Conversation is often held to a minimum. Bitter emotions are likely to be bottled without expression. The couple stay together "for the children" or public appearance. The bond of love is broken. There are no lawyers or divorce settlements. It's a silent divorce. The only hope for such a marriage is for the love to be restored. Conflicts and negative emotions need to be discussed. In a word, the relationship needs healing.

Prolonged silence is a tell-tell sign of a marriage in trouble. There may be no fussing, just ongoing silence. Communication is broken. The couple may be under the same roof but emotionally miles apart. There is no energy in the relationship. It becomes functional and task oriented without any emotion. Even expressing negative emotions can be a sign of hope.

Someone must take the initiative in breaking the cycle of a silent divorce. The apostle Paul calls on the Christian husband to take the lead (Colossians 3:19). The husband's bitterness may cause him to emotionally withdraw in the marriage. He took the initiative in the courtship. Likewise, he should in resolving the conflict in marriage.

Negative emotions must be openly discussed. Bottling bitterness and other negative emotions must be expressed to break the stalemate. Becoming transparent with such emotions provides an opportunity for renewed intimacy. Things may get worse before they get better. When both partners can feel safe to express their honest emotions, healing is on the way.

Bitterness is often caused through an experience of grief. Anytime we suffer some type of loss in life, we suffer grief. Bitterness is one of the stages of grief. Listening to your spouse's negative emotions releases feelings of grief and bitterness. How many emotionally-charged issues could be resolved simply by active listening? It sounds too simple, but hurting people want to be heard. Listening to your mate is loving your mate. Love listens. We need not try to "fix" our spouse, but rather understand the one you love as you listen. I am quite convinced that listening to your spouse's negative emotions, with sympathy and understanding, would resolve many silent divorces if not most.

God's love can heal a silent divorce. His love is unconditional. It is this type of love which sustains a relationship through difficult circumstances. "Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged" (1 Corinthians 13:4-5, NLT). God's love is only a prayer away. Love can break the power of a silent divorce.

Steps to Divorce

2011-08-27T00:00:00.007-05:00

She was shocked beyond words one evening when her husband said without any emotion, "I want you to know that I'm moving out and I want a divorce." After a long silence, she asked, "Why?" His response was cold and matter of fact when he said, "This marriage is over and I want to move on with my life. There is nothing else to talk about. I have nothing further to say." He went to the car and drove away. A few days later, she came home from work and all of his clothes and personal items were gone.

Divorce is not a sudden, quick decision. It is a process that takes months and sometimes years to decide. The husband who announced his plans to get a divorce had been thinking about it for a long time. He had been on an emotional journey to that point in time over several years. There are steps leading to a divorce which may be recognized.

1. Ignoring real issues and emotionally denying problems in a marriage. It's often easy to pretend as though nothing is wrong in a marriage. All marriages have issues. Denying problems never solves them. Heart-felt, serious conversation is needed. It's important to listen to your mate through difficulties in the relationship.

2. Bottling feelings is another step which can lead to more serious problems in marriage, sometime resulting in divorce. Married couples should express their negative emotions. Becoming defensive or cutting off the conversation may avoid conflict at the time, but it causes the problem to become more divisive and serious. Listening is so important to conflict resolution.

3. Unresolved anger is another step toward divorce. Such anger may be bottled, that is suppressed, but it doesn't go away. Anger needs to be expressed in an appropriate way. It is not wrong to become angry. It is wrong to express it with the intention of hurting your spouse. Speaking words to hurt your spouse only complicates the problem and further emotionally separates the husband and wife. The "I" message should be used rather than saying something like, "Let me tell you what's wrong with you." The "You" message fans the flame of anger and resentment.

4. Bitterness may become deep rooted in a person considering divorce. Often in bitterness, there is no longer any emotional outbreaks or heated conversations. The "silent divorce" has begun. The bitter marriage partner believes it will do no good to talk. Feelings are no longer expressed. From a distance, others may think the marriage is fine, after all, there is no fussing or emotional outbreaks.

5. The person who wants the divorce has now concluded there is no hope for the relationship. Thoughts are redirected to ideas about divorce, which are normally not expressed to the mate at this point. Quietly and secretly, plans are being made for the future. This may be months and even years before the words are heard, "I want a divorce."

Submit in Marriage?

2011-08-24T00:00:00.002-05:00

Michele Bachmann was in a nationwide television debate as a presidential candidate. She was questioned about a statement that she had previously made at a church event, about submitting to her husband in marriage. She simply replied that to submit is to respect your husband. She went on to say that they respected each other in their marriage. That raises an important question for people in Christian marriages. What does the Bible mean concerning submission in marriage?

Submit is a key word in a Christian marriage according to Scripture. It is a three-fold submission. The husband and wife submit to God and the Lordship of Christ. It is done "in the fear of God," which means to respect the Lord (Ephesians 5:23). Also, the husband submits to the love of Christ for his wife (Ephesians 5:25). This is an unconditional love from the Greek word agape. He is to love her as Christ loves the church. Also, the wife submits to her husband's love as she respects him (Ephesians 5:33). The wife submits to the loving leadership of her husband. She can rest in his love, knowing that he cares for her.

The Bible teaches that a husband is his wife's servant leader. He is not to dominate her forcefully, but he is to serve her needs to express his love in action. It is the same type of love that Christ, the head of the church, had when he washed his disciples feet. Christ is the example to husbands as a servant leader.

A triangle may be used to illustrate Christian marriage. The apex of the triangle is the place of God over the relationship. The husband and wife are side by side under the Lordship of Christ. They are coequals in their relationship with God and with each other.

The husband submits to the love of Christ for his wife. It is the unconditional love of commitment. He loves her as the special person in his life. This love is demonstrated in loving care for her. When a husband is unloving with his wife in word or action, he has missed the mark.

The husband does not dominate his wife. He loves her in such a way that she can safely trust in him. No chauvinism here. He is her safe place to be transparent with him. His love has captured her heart.

Marriage is more than eros or romantic love. It is likewise agape or unconditional love. Both are important in the relationship. Hollywood movies have always made much of romantic love. That's good, but it's not enough. Agape love goes far beyond romance. Agape is patient and kind. It is not puffed up. It doesn't behave rudely. It does not seek its own, nor is it easily provoked. It endures all things. It never fails (1 Corinthians 13:4-8). God wants the best for your marriage, because He is Agape (1 John 4:8, 16).

When a husband dances with his wife, she follows his leadership. She is in step with him and receives his embrace. She willingly yields to his guidance, knowing that he will gently, tenderly lead her from one step to another. She respects his ability, and she can rest in his arms.

Understanding Your Wife

2011-08-20T00:00:00.007-05:00

She asked him, "Do you still love me?" It was a question that his wife asked frequently. He said to her, "I've noticed that you ask that question often in the last few weeks. Have I done something wrong?" She answered, "Oh no. Not at all. It's just that I don't look like I did when we first married. I've gained some weight and my appearance has changed. I just need to know that you still love me." He assured her that he loved her more than ever, and that he would always love her. Over the next few weeks, he sent her flowers and cards, as well as taking her on surprise dates. He realized how much she needed to be reassured of his love. It made a difference in their relationship.

Married couples are always changing in appearance and the relationship. Wives often need the reassurance of their husband's love. It's a gender difference that men often don't understand.

Men and women think differently. A man makes a statement and doesn't feel a need to restate it. Why should he, unless he changes his mind? On the contrary, women often need to hear it again to be assured. Why shouldn't he reassure her, unless he has changed his mind?

Another gender difference is appearance. Women are far more conscious of their appearance than men. They need to know how he likes her new dress or shoes, as well as her hairstyle. He may not know how much he weighs, but she is weight conscious. She may ask, "Do I look like I've gained weight?" Husbands beware, choose your words carefully. She wants to be attractive for you.

A husband's comments about his wife's appearance are very important. She needs his words of affirmation for self-esteem. She wants him to notice her, and feel like he is still attracted to her.

Wives prefer a compliment without asking for an opinion. If she has to ask, it's not nearly as meaningful. She doesn't want to be humored. She wants to be noticed and loved by her husband.

Verbally Abused Children

2011-08-17T00:00:00.002-05:00

He was a successful business man. He was popular with an outgoing personality. Life seemed to be nothing but good for him. He was married with three fine children. With all the blessings that he had in life, he was constantly driven to be more successful and accumulate more wealth. Some would say that he was a "workaholic." What did he have to prove? He was driven to prove his father wrong. The "old tapes" of abusive words continued to play in his mind. His dad always tried to control him with verbal abuse. The one statement that bothered him the most was "Boy, you'll never amount to anything." Many of the statements were far worse, but that's the one which played more often in his mind. He always wanted his father's approval, but he never could receive it. His dad passed away a few years ago, but he is still driven to prove him wrong.

Words are powerful. Two chapters in the Bible are written on the power of words (Numbers 30; James 3). Words can be a blessing or a curse in the family. Parents should understand that children always need encouraging words.

Children need the father's blessing. In the ancient Hebrew society, they understood the need to receive the father's blessing. Gary Smalley wrote a nationwide best seller entitled, "The Blessing." It speaks of the need our children have to receive the parents blessing, especially from the father. Our words as parents may well last a lifetime in the minds of our children.

Avoid abusive words. We should beware of the danger of abusive words in marriage and the family. Marriages have been ruined because of a constant diet of abusive words. Children have been frustrated and bitterly discouraged because of abusive words from parents.

Use your words to build up the family. Husbands should be mindful of how much a wife needs his compliment on a new dress or the recent hairstyle. Wives should remember that a husband needs her words of appreciation and respect.

Use these words often: "I love you. Thank you. Would you please. I'm sorry. Will you forgive me? I want you to know how important you are to me." These are just a few of the words that should be spoken often. Words of appreciation, understanding, encouragement and most of all love cannot be spoken too often.

Change your words and change your family. Marriages can be saved and restored with kind, loving supportive words. Children can be encouraged and challenged to do their best with words from parents.

Speak words of approval and acceptance. Children need to be unconditionally loved and accepted by their parents. Wives need to know their value and importance to their husbands. The husband needs to know how much his wife appreciates him. Words are the vehicle to express our love and acceptance.

The Aging Parent

2011-08-13T17:34:00.000-05:00

His mother had been dead for several years. His dad was the aging parent. The elderly man lived alone. His mind was alert, but otherwise his health was failing, especially his sight. He had what was diagnosed as macular degeneration. This had been the leading cause of three "fender benders" in his old truck. Finally, the insurance policy was cancelled by the company because of the number of accidents. Yet, he insisted, when talking to his son, that he was going to drive his truck with or without insurance.

The son lived in constant fear about his dad having a bad accident. He felt like, with his dad's impaired vision, that it was only a matter of time. He had offered to drive his dad anywhere he wanted to go. The elderly man refused the offer. If the conversation continued long on the subject, he got very upset with his son.

The son had one last idea to stop his dad from driving. He went with him to the doctor for a check up. Privately, the son talked with the physician about the problem. The doctor gave his dad an eye exam. The results were certain. The doctor told him not to drive again. The elderly gentleman was not happy with the advice, but he accepted it.

Over the next few months the aging father became depressed. Taking away his truck and driving was taking away his independence. He could not stand the thought of depending on someone else for his transportation. He continued to be depressed about it until the day he died. His son had done the right thing, to say the least, but he felt guilty when he saw his dad depressed.

Points to Consider

When anyone faces the reality that their life is coming to an end, they experience anticipatory grief, which includes depression. The person feels the loss in life. We need to give them the right to feel and express their depression.

False guilt is a common problem when a person deals with issues facing an aging parent. Even when the person is doing what's best for the parent, it's an uncomfortable feeling.

Aging parents have a strong need to maintain dignity and independence. Hopefully, they can see the need to adjust to the changes of life. Anger is not uncommon at this time. Often the anger is rooted in the fear of losing self-control.

Aging parents need the love and support of their children, as well as compassionate understanding. This includes allowing them to feel and express their emotions of grief.

Aging parents need honor and respect. "Honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with promise, that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth" (Ephesians 6:2-3).

Your Husband's Time-Out

2011-08-10T19:04:00.000-05:00

If you watch a football or a basketball game long enough, you understand that a team will eventually call a time-out. It's a needed time to make adjustments in the game. So it is in life, most husbands need a time-out to consider solutions for problems. After all, men like to be heroes for their wives in solving problems. They just go about it in a different way than their wives. Women like to talk through their problems and "try on" different possible ideas. Not those husbands. They need a time-out to withdraw and think it through, until the plan comes to fix that problem. It's a gender difference.

When husbands want to be left alone for a time-out, wives misinterpret their action. They feel like they are being abandoned. They begin to question what they did wrong to push him away. Please note, this is a major gender difference in dealing with problems. He simply doesn't want to talk about it, until he has a plan of action. He will be back, only to return to be her hero. In the mean time, she's afraid he doesn't love her and wants to leave her. Oh ladies, he's just a man. He's wired differently. You want him to listen. However, he needs a time-out to think it through, until the plan is finished.

His time-out may be in front of a television, not really thinking about what's on the screen. It could be a drive in the car alone. Or, it could be hiding behind a newspaper. The list goes on and on. Translate his action as a time-out, and he will return with a solution. Listen to him eagerly with a smile. His ego could be very fragile. Even if the plan of solution is less than acceptable, remember he wants to impress you. He really does want to be your hero, because he really loves you.

Don't fuss about his time-out. It will only frustrate him. He's got to have that time-out. Don't panic as though your relationship is wasting away. The beloved woman in Solomon's Song panicked when her lover withdrew. She said, "If you find my beloved, you tell him that I'm lovesick" (Solomon's Song 5:8). He had withdrawn only to return. She thought that he had abandoned her. Over the centuries, some things just haven't changed, namely the relationship between lovers. Remember, after his time-out, he will be back, but most of all, always remember that he wants to be your hero.

Nourish Your Wife

2011-08-08T00:00:00.004-05:00

"He who loves his wife loves himself;
for no one ever hated his own flesh,
but nourishes and cherishes it."

Ephesians 5:29, NASB

A husband who loves his wife nourishes her. The word nourish literally means to feed. In this case the apostle Paul is talking about a man nourishing his body. It illustrates how he should care for his wife as himself. They are one flesh in marriage. Don't get the wrong idea. He is not talking about "spoon feeding" her at the table. He is talking about a husband giving his wife tender loving care. He feeds her in different ways. She looks to him to care for her as the special one in his life. He cares for her unselfishly, recognizing the bond of love, making them one flesh in marriage.

A husband feeds his wife's self-image. She knows that she is the special one in his life. His words of love, confirmation and approval are nourishing to her. For example, if she comes home from the beauty shop, she may be expecting approving comments about her hairstyle.

A husband feeds his wife with hugs. Non-sexual touching is often as important to her, if not more so, than the touch of a sexual suggestion. In a word, he nourishes her all the time. She needs a steady diet of his hugs and cuddling.

A husband feeds his wife through listening to her and giving her his undivided attention. Eye to eye contact is important. She needs to talk and share her heart. He shows his care by listening to her words and emotions.

A husband feeds his wife with romantic words and actions. She needs a steady diet of his steadfast love and devotion. She never tires of hearing these words - "I love you."

Change Your Husband?

2011-08-04T13:58:00.000-05:00

She had been married for more than fifteen years. The couple had two precious children. On the surface of their marriage, they appeared to be happy, but she was frustrated in the relationship.

She had been trying for years to change her husband. Her attempts to change him went through a repeated cycle. She would read a book or magazine article about another marriage, then she tried to pattern her marriage after what she had read. She approached him with her new found ideas. He thought that she was rejecting him and emotionally withdrew. She became frustrated and angry with him, and she complained until he became angry. They lived with silence for a few days, as they pouted with each other. Finally, he apologized and they talked again. It was a continuous cycle.

Trying to change your mate is destined to fail. People change only when they really want to change. Such change must come from within the person, not from outside pressure.

Successful marriages are based upon love and respect. Men need the respect of their wives. Respect is a major masculine gender need. Wives need the unconditional love of their husbands. This is a major feminine gender need (Ephesians 5:33).

Using pressure to change your mate can easily be interpreted as personal rejection. It becomes a parent-child transaction. Most men don't want a wife who acts like a mother rather than a wife. This transaction in the relationship can ruin the romance.

Unconditional acceptance is an important need in a strong bond of marriage. Constant criticism sends the message of rejection and never brings change for good.

Wives may express their needs to their husbands. This avoids criticism and attacks which causes him to become defensive or withdraw. He can only respond to her needs as he understands them.

Your Wife's Emotions

2011-08-02T00:00:00.000-05:00

"Then Elkanah her husband said to her,
'Hannah, why do you weep?
Why do you not eat?
And why is your heart grieved?
Am I not better to you than ten sons?"

1 Samuel 1:8

Samuel recognized his wife's emotions. He wanted her to talk with him about those negative emotions. Hannah was unable to have a baby at the time. Elkanah wanted to fix her emotions, so he asked a question. "Am I not better to you than ten sons?" Okay, it's not a good question for the situation. There is a gender difference. Husbands want to fix the problems. Elkanah couldn't fix this one. He simply needed to listen to her express negative emotions. Letting a wife express her emotions, all of them including the negative ones, is vital to intimacy in marriage.

Points to Consider

Wives need to express their negative emotions. It maintains intimacy in the marriage relationship. Such negative emotions need to be expressed on a periodic basis. A wife needs a safe place in her husband to express those emotions freely.

If negative emotions are not expressed freely by your wife, intimacy is hindered. Intimacy is created when your wife knows that you really understand her. That includes understanding her negative emotions.

A husband should listen to her emotions without feeling a need to fix every problem. Men are problem-solvers by nature. We had rather think about a problem than talk about it. This is a major gender difference. It can be awkward for a husband to listen to his wife's negative emotions without being able to solve her problems. After all, he wants to be her hero. He may not know that by only listening and understanding her feelings, he is her hero.

A wife often needs to repeat a conversation about her negative emotions. She talks not to give information only, but to find relief. Actively listening to her with love and understanding helps her to process those negative thoughts. Listening spells love.

Husbands Who Listen

2011-07-28T19:48:00.000-05:00

His wife needed to talk with him. She had a bad day, and she needed for him to let her express her feelings. He did listen for a while, but he interrupted. She became frustrated when he tried to give her a solution to the problem. "Well, let me go on. There's more to this story," she said.

He let her talk for a while longer and interrupted again. He said, "Well, I think that I have the solution to your problem." She appeared to be upset, when she said, "I just need for you to listen to me. Don't try to fix the problem. I want you to listen and understand." He wasn't quite sure what she meant by that statement, but he did listen carefully until she shared her emotions about her problem of the day. When she finished, he said, "Honey, I know what you mean. I understand." She hugged him and said, "You're just absolutely wonderful." He didn't say it, but he thought, what did I do?

Wives and husbands communicate for different reasons. There's an apparent gender difference. Men communicate to solve problems. Women communicate to express emotions, and to be understood.

A wife doesn't like to be interrupted with his solutions, when she's trying to let go of negative emotions. Her solution is for him to listen and understand her. Problem solving is not her main objective.

Listening to your wife helps her to vent negative emotions. She wants her husband to understand how she feels. Active listening to understand her is the key.

Your wife may need to tell the same story again and again. It's not because you were not listening. It's because she is still dealing with the emotions of the story. She may ask, "Are you tired of hearing this?" If the husband is only listening to fix the problem or gain the facts, he may be tired of the story. If he understands that she is dealing with her feelings, and really needs him to listen, he is glad to listen because he loves her.

A husband who listens with patience and kindness to his wife, becomes the person who understands her. He provides love, gentleness and support. "Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them" (Col. 3:19, NIV).

Worried about Finances

2011-07-26T19:54:00.000-05:00

Her husband seemed to be withdrawn. She didn't have his attention in conversation. It was like his mind was somewhere else. She questioned him more than once if anything was wrong. The answer was always the same. He quickly assured her that everything was alright. The children began to ask if anything was wrong with dad. She quickly assured them that he was fine. Something was wrong. What is it? He was worried about finances. She didn't know that he was facing the loss of his job, which meant reduced income and health coverage. He was depressed, but he wasn't talking about it. He was becoming more disengaged from the family.

Financial problems often cause conflict in marriage. As a matter of fact, recent studies indicate that financial problems are the leading cause of divorce. Most men want to provide for their family. His self-esteem as a husband and father are on the line. This causes him to feel depression.

Depression often causes disengagement. When any family member begins to withdraw, the disengagement is significant behavior. There is a reason. That reason is often anticipatory grief, or grieving over some loss. Grief causes depression. Then, depression causes disengagement from the family. The person often seems distant even when present.

Depression affects the entire family. The father has a major influence over all members of the family. His depression and withdrawal affects every family member. When one member disengages, all family members are impacted.

Problems need to be identified and discussed. Men more often want to solve their problems alone. Women are more likely to discuss problems openly and directly. The secret problem affects all family members. Husbands and wives should be able to discuss any and all problems. Otherwise, disengagement in their relationship threatens the intimacy and security of the marriage. Financial difficulties appear to be the number one problem.

God cares about our problems. In time of family problems, including financial difficulty, God cares. He ordained the family. He desires to bless all families. Bible promises and prayer become an important resource of help in difficult times for families. It's time to realize that we need God's help (Hebrews 13:6). His grace is sufficient for all of life's problems (2 Cor. 12:9).

Cherish Your Wife

2011-07-23T17:22:00.000-05:00

"He who loves his own wife loves himself;
for no one ever hated his own flesh,
but nourishes and cherishes it,
just as Christ also does the church,
because we are members of his body."

Ephesians 5:29-30, NASB

What does it mean for a man to cherish his wife? It means that she is that special person in his life. She is part of him. They are one. This union is physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. His relationship with her is unlike that with any other human being. Years ago I counseled with a woman who was going through a divorce. She made a statement about her husband that I will never forget. She said, "All I ever wanted was to be the special person in his life." She was sitting before me with tears. She never felt like she was special to him. When a husband cherishes his wife, she knows that she is the special one in his life.

Cherish your wife in action. As strange as it may sound, opening the door for her is a small way to show her that she is special to you. Sometimes, it's the small things that mean the most.

Cherish your wife in words. She needs to hear how special she is to her husband. It does not go unspoken. She always needs reassurance and affirmation in the marriage. As time goes on, she must know that she is not taken for granted.

Cherish your wife in public. Others need to know that you cherish her. She needs to feel special in public with her husband. Holding her hand, a hug, focusing your attention on her, speaks of the husband cherishing his wife.

Cherish your wife with eye to eye contact. It is said that the eye is the window of the soul. When a man and woman are married, the minister asks them to hold hands and face one another. Eye to eye, they repeat their vows. Eye contact is a form of bonding. There is a look that cherishes.

Marriage is Meeting Needs

2011-07-20T21:50:00.000-05:00

Marriage is about meeting needs. It is about that someone special in your life who will be there for you. Marriage is with that person who cares about you and supports you, who understands your needs, and delights in taking care of you. In the beginning, God recognized man's need for a mate. So, God made the man and the woman for each other.

The basic need in marriage, according to the Bible, is companionship. "And the Lord God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a companion for him" (Genesis 2:18, NLT). Companionship focuses upon sharing your life with another. Fulfillment comes through caring for another and being cared for by another. We need to to know that there is a significant other person in our lives, who loves us and really cares about us.

I made a pastoral visit in the home of a senior adult couple many years ago. I will always remember the words inscribed on the framed photo of the man and his wife. "I Don't Love You Because I Need You. I Need You Because I Love You." That is the best definition of marriage that I have found. Marriage is giving and receiving love. It's needing that special person, because you love your spouse.

There are other basic needs in marriage:

1. Nurture. We read about this in the Bible (Ephesians 5:28-29). The husband has the joy of providing nurture for his wife. This often comes through non-sexual touching. The wife needs his hugs and affection on a daily basis. Just to hold her hand is a good way to show the husband's nurture for his wife.

2. Sexual. Christians should always understand that sex within marriage is never evil, but it is ordained of God. The Bible is very clear on this subject (First Corinthians 7:1-5). A healthy sex life is very important in the marriage relationship.

3. Financial. Controversy in marriage often focuses on finances. The married couple should discuss financial needs openly and candidly. The virtuous woman of Proverbs 31 knew how to take care of the household finances (Proverbs 31:10-16). This wife and mother is unselfish in taking care of the needs of her family. Selfishness can be the root problem in family finances.

4. Spiritual. Marriage is a spiritual relationship. It's important for a husband and wife to share the same faith, as well as the same moral values. Spiritual activities such as prayer, worship and Christian service can be a strength and blessing to the relationship.

A Gender Difference

2011-07-18T13:51:00.000-05:00

She asked him, "Do you still love me?" It was a question that his wife asked frequently. He said to her, "I've noticed that you ask that question often in the last few weeks. Have I done something wrong?" She answered, "Oh no. Not at all. It's just that I don't look like I did when we first married. I've gained some weight and my appearance has changed. I just need to know that you still love me." He assured her that he loved her more than ever, and that he would always love her. Over the next few weeks, he sent her flowers and cards, as well as taking her on surprise dates. He realized how much she needed to be reassured of his love. It made a difference in their relationship.

Married couples are always changing in appearance and the relationship. Wives often need the reassurance of their husband's love. It's a gender difference that men often don't understand.

Men and women think differently. A man makes a statement and doesn't feel a need to restate it. Why should he, unless he changes his mind? On the contrary, women often need to hear it again to be assured. Why shouldn't he reassure her, unless he has changed his mind.

Another gender difference is appearance. Women are far more conscious of their appearance than men. They need to know how he likes her new dress or shoes, as well as her hairstyle. He may not know how much he weighs, but she is weight conscious.

A husband's comments about his wife's appearance are very important. She needs his words of assurance for self-esteem. She wants him to notice her, and feel like he is still attracted to her.

Wives prefer a compliment without asking for an opinion. If she has to ask, it's not nearly as meaningful. She doesn't want to be humored. She wants to be noticed and loved by her husband.

Four Parenting Styles

2011-07-14T21:58:00.000-05:00

Many of us subconsciously adopt the parenting style we had as children. It's good for us to examine our parenting style in view of Scripture and the style of our loving heavenly Father. Perhaps, we need to consider some changes. Our parenting style will have a long-standing effect on our children. They need a style of parenting which provides love, acceptance, approval, boundaries and correction.

Consider four styles of parenting:

1. The Permissive Parent. This parent is not involved in the life of a child to provide boundaries and loving discipline. The child often does not get needed attention. In many cases, such a parent is absent from influencing the child's life. No guidance is provided.

2. The Passive-Aggressive Parent. This parent is emotionally absent until something goes wrong. Often there is a sudden display of anger and threats. This is basically the only attention the child receives. There is not much positive reinforcement and recognition for accomplishment.

3. The Dominating Parent. Such a parent may be motivated out of fear that the child will not do the right thing. There is a control issue involved. The parent wants to dominate everything in the child's life. This often carries over into the adult years. Such children usually have trouble making decisions and are constantly fearful of making mistakes.

4. The Balanced Parent. This parent wants to understand the child. Conversations are important to understand the child's problems and concerns. This parent understands that children need more and more accountable freedom as they grow and mature. Discipline does not discourage the child to the point of giving up. Discipline is loving correction, explaining the reason for unacceptable behavior.

Divorce and Denial

2011-07-12T14:33:00.000-05:00

Several of his friends had gone through a divorce, but he never thought it would happen to him. As a matter of fact, he still could not believe that it happened to him. He had been divorced two years and found it hard to really believe. His friends encouraged him to find a divorce recovery group and seek counseling. He absolutely refused. His denial was so strong, that he refused to accept the divorce. He thought some how, some way, that they would be together again. It was like a bad dream. He would wake up one day and know that it wasn't true.

Feelings of denial are very normal for someone who has experienced divorce. The facts say that a divorce has happened, but the emotions refuse to accept it. The emotions may be numb or confused. Why? "Why did this happen to me?" The divorced person simply can't accept it.

Denial is only the first stage of grief. The denial can last weeks, months or years. Some may even refuse to emotionally accept the divorce for a lifetime. People move through the stages of grief at their own pace.

Grief includes anger, bitterness, depression, often guilt and finally acceptance. No one goes mechanically through the stages of grief. A divorced person can lapse back into a previous stage.

Divorced persons need to express their emotions of grief to a friend, family member, support group or a counselor. In order to feel free to express their true feelings, they must trust the listeners and feel safe.

Unexpressed emotions of grief are often misdirected. That is to say, a grieving person may lash out at someone for no apparent reason. However, there is a reason. Those bottled emotions come out one way or another, directly or indirectly.

Divorced persons may trust God with their negative emotions. They must know that real prayer comes from the heart. God knows our hearts, and he wants us to express our feelings to him. Healing comes to our hearts when we open them to God.

The Dominant Parent

2011-07-09T08:18:00.000-05:00

His dad always wanted him to be a medical doctor. As he was growing up as a child, he heard these words often, "Son, I believe you would make a good medical doctor." His dad even got him to promise that he would be a doctor one day.

As the young man approached his freshman year in college, he really had not decided on a major. His dad knew the reason. He should major in pre-med. His dad had even told several of his friends, "My son is going to be a doctor." He was surprised the day he learned that his son decided to major in secondary education. He quickly responded, "Son, I know this is just a stage you're going through. I still believe that one day you will be a medical doctor."

His mother often said to him, "Son, I don't know if you will be a doctor, but whatever you decide, I know that you will be successful. I'll be proud of you." He knew that he had his mother's acceptance and approval, regardless of the decision.

The day came when his dad knew that the son was not considering a pre-med major, nor medical school. His dad said, "I'm hurt and disappointed in you. I know that you can do better. You're smart. It's a shame to waste your intellectual ability in something less." What the dominant dad never said to his son was how he had always wanted to be a medical doctor, and was not accepted into medical school. He wanted to live his failed dream through his son.

Children need their parents approval and acceptance regardless of their vocational choice. Trying to live failed dreams through our children is unfair to them. The mother in this story provided the good role model for all parents to follow.

God has made children with unique talents and abilities. They should follow what God has gifted them to do. To attempt a vocational goal to win parental approval is an indictment on the dominant parent.

When a parent is self-centered about a child's vocational goal, or any other decision for that matter, love ceases to be the basis for the parent-child relationship. "Love does not demand its own way" (1 Cor. 13:5, NLT).

Parents should encourage their children and support them to reach their own God-given potential. For instance, a son may not have the sports ability to be a baseball player, but an outstanding ability as a musician. Parents can identify their children's abilities and support them to excel in those areas.

God made all of us with different gifts and talents. He wants us to use them for his glory and our fulfillment in finding purpose in life. "He made us, and we are his" (Psalm 100:3, NLT).

Growing in Your Marriage

2011-07-05T20:50:00.000-05:00

Growing a garden takes time and effort. It doesn't just happen. Likewise, growing in your marriage takes time and effort. Please don't think that it just happens. Unfortunately, many couples allow their relationship to become like a forgotten garden, growing weeds of neglect. Identify neglect as one of the chief culprits in an unhappy marriage.

When a couple are dating, they spend much time together. They don't want to be apart. They decide to marry, because they can't imagine life without each other. After the marriage ceremony, intimate relationships still require much time. Being too busy can be a real problem in marriage. The husband and wife are always going somewhere, but no longer together. Growing relationships require much time together.

Have dates together. Hey, there's nothing wrong with married couples having dates. It seemed to work good during the courtship. Don't stop now. It can still be fun. Let the husband surprise her on the destination of a date. Keep the courtship in your marriage.

Take trips together. You may go on trips with friends, but make sure you go on trips alone together. Have each other all to yourself. Trips don't always have to be lengthy or expensive. It's about being together.

Shop together. Hey guys, give it a try. You may be surprised. Only one caution, don't rush her. There's a gender difference. She likes to look at everything. Give her time. No, don't look for a bench to wait. It's about being together.

Pray and worship together. Remember, marriage is a spiritual relationship. Time in Bible reading and conversational prayer together recognizes the spiritual bond and strengthens it. Ask God to bless your marriage. He will. Grow in your faith together. Every marriage needs a spiritual foundation (Ephesians 5:23-33).

Successful Children

2011-07-02T15:30:00.000-05:00

Warren Buffett, a billionaire stock investor, was interviewed by a news reporter on his success in life. She asked him, "What is the best advice you ever received in your life?" His answer had nothing to do with stock tips or finances. He referred to his dad, who gave him the best advice by example. He gave him unconditional love. He attributes that to his success in life. His dad loved him, and he loved him unconditionally. There is no deep dark secret to success in life. Children need unconditional love from their parents. It's the kind of love that God has for us as His children (1 Corinthians 13; Romans 5:5-8).

Warren Buffett's success in life was not about discovering ways to become a billionaire. It really had nothing to do with money, but it had everything to do with a dad who taught him by example the lesson of unconditional love. Successful children know, that regardless of what happens to them in life, they are unconditionally loved by their parents.

Unconditional love accepts children as they are. Each child has unique finger prints, but so much more than that, unique talents and abilities, personalities and traits. Often, parents and friends play the game, "He is just like ..." The truth is, there is no one else in the world just like your child. He or she is a unique gift from God. Love accepts them as they are, not trying to remake them, but accepting them, actually accepting them unconditionally. That's real love.

Unconditional love gives children an example to follow. Warren Buffett said that the lesson from his father was not so much from what he said, but the example he gave. He could trust that his father would always love him unconditionally. Therefore, Buffett has tried to do likewise in his relationship with others. Of course, he confessed that there have been times when he failed. Nevertheless, he has always known through the influence of a dad, the goal in life is to love unconditionally.

Unconditional love is about God (1 John 4:8). Buffett's dad taught him about God with few words. He gave him unconditional love, and "God is love." Most parents are interested that their children know about God. Buffett's dad showed him God by the way he lived. That's not to imply that he had a perfect dad, but he did have a dad who loved him unconditionally. And, that is what parenting is all about, unconditional love.

Facing Family Problems

2011-06-29T13:23:00.001-05:00

You may know the parable of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-31). When the prodigal returned home, his father forgave him. They had a party, but the elder brother would not attend. He was angry and believed that he had been treated unfairly. The father came to the elder son and invited him to the family gathering. Most family problems arise when someone feels that they have been mistreated. The elder brother withdrew from the family in anger. The father went to him and heard his complaint. The parable ends there. We don't know if the elder brother reconciled with his family or not.

Dialogue is necessary to resolve family problems. Anger causes some people to withdraw. Anger should be processed through discussion. To bottle anger is to assure the problem will not be resolved.

Ignoring family problems will never resolve them. The fear of anger causes many to pretend as though there is no problem. Dysfunctional families do not discuss their problems with the person involved. They may discuss it with others, but not the person who needs to talk.

Jealousy is often the problem in family disputes. The jealous person is afraid his needs will not be met. This causes anger which may lead to withdrawal. Until the need is identified and discussed, the issue will not be resolved.

Forgiveness is the key to resolving family disputes. We may need to forgive someone for mistreating us or ignoring us. On the other hand, we may need to ask someone to forgive us. Forgiveness is always the will of God. "Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who have sinned against us." Without genuine forgiveness, there is no resolution to family problems.

What is Marriage?

2011-06-26T20:31:00.001-05:00

They had dated for years. He didn't seem to be interested in marriage, but he was interested in an intimate relationship. Both of them had been divorced. She finally told him that the relationship seemed to be going nowhere. She frankly asked him, "Do you ever think about being married again?" He said, "The first marriage didn't work too well. I guess I'm afraid that the next one wouldn't either. Besides, what is marriage? It's just a piece of paper that you buy at the courthouse."

Marriage is more than a license purchased at the courthouse. It is a commitment of love. The Bible defines real love. "Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance" (First Corinthians 13:4-7, NLT). Now that is far more than "just a piece of paper that you buy at the courthouse."

Marriage is a lifetime commitment. Will there be problems? Sure. Will it always be carefree and fun? No. Could it end in divorce? Yes. The problems which married couples confront are many, but "love never gives up." Situations arise which are difficult, and the relationship could be tested severely, but love "endures through every circumstance."

Marriage is a commitment between a man and woman before God. It has been called "Holy Matrimony." We don't hear that too often these days. It is "holy" simply because God is asked to witness the vows made, and bless the union. Holy means devoted or dedicated. The relationship is dedicated to God to receive his blessing. That's more than "just a piece of paper that you buy at the courthouse."

Would you rather have "just a piece of paper that you buy at the courthouse" or a loving relationship which is blessed of God? The choice is yours. Don't settle for anything less than God's best for your life and your marriage.

Do You Really Love Me?

2011-06-24T23:00:00.000-05:00

Marriage is about needs. I read a book by a Christian psychologist on the subject of marriage. He asserted that marriage is about meeting needs, and the greatest need we have is to love and be loved. That translates into other needs. Husbands have a need for respect. A wife who really loves her husband, respects him in word and deed. We have different gender needs. The author suggested that a man's need for respect from his wife is more important to him than a wife may know. He wants to be her hero. Men are shown love through specific gender needs. The wife has different gender needs. All of them are sub-points under the main need of all - to love and be loved.

A husband loves his wife by meeting specific gender needs. These may include listening to her share her heart in meaningful conversation. She needs to be understood. She needs to be nurtured in the arms of love. She needs to know how precious she is to her husband. She needs to know that he will be there for her.

"Do you really love me?" Those words from a wife to her husband must be translated from one gender to another. Translation: Would you please reaffirm your love for me in word and deed. She needs to be reaffirmed as being that special person, the one and only, to her husband.

A wife becomes needy when she fears that she will never get what she needs out of her marriage. When she becomes needy, she may complain. Male translation: I can't make her happy. She doesn't respect me. Result: arguments and conflict. She needs to be understood.

Marriage is about understanding and meeting needs. Transparency and heart to heart communication is the key to expressing love for one another. Love listens. The Bible describes the basic needs of a husband and wife. "Nevertheless, let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband" (Ephesians 5:33).

He Surprised Her

2011-06-22T19:03:00.000-05:00

He and his wife were riding down the road, when she said, "Where are you going?" He said, "It's a surprise." He had planned a surprise trip without telling her. He took care of all the arrangements, including packing her favorite clothes and shoes, as well as all of her cosmetics. It was a trip that she had dreamed about for years. She had no idea it would be that night. She was indeed surprised.

He surprised her in many more ways. He would take her to eat at special places. He often gave her flowers, when there was no special occasion. Then, there were chocolates, gifts and cards, all at an unexpected time. She loved him dearly, but she also knew he loved her with all of his heart. It was not just the many times that he told her. It was all the surprises that reminded her.

A relationship can easily get in a boring routine. His surprises would not allow that to happen. Even though they had been married for several years, he continued to court her as during the dating years before marriage.

A relationship must be cultivated. When a man is dating a woman before marriage, he tries to impress her, to win her heart. After the wedding and honeymoon, it's too easy to take her for granted. She still wants to know that she's that special person in his life.

Wives need to be reassured of a husband's love. He can never give her too much reassurance. One way to do that is with surprises. It's still about being special to him.

The bond of love between a husband and his wife is strengthened through the good things he does and says. "Husbands love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her"(Ephesians 5:25).

A Parent's Influence

2011-06-20T00:00:00.002-05:00

She didn't understand much about parenting with her children. Remembering her parents style wasn't very helpful. She could remember a passive father, when it came to discipline and correction. His parenting style was to do the essentials. She couldn't remember him saying, "I love you." Her mother was a fearful person, who had to be in control. The mother seldom corrected or disciplined her, and when she did, it was an angry explosion of words followed by a long, cold silence. Occasionally, her mother expressed love in words, but seldom. Now, she's a mother without a model to follow in parenting her own children. She just knows one thing, she doesn't want to parent her children in the way she was parented.

Parents influence all of our relationships. The way we were parented affects our self-esteem. If we didn't receive the love that we needed from our parents, our self-esteem can easily suffer loss. Am I a person of value? If my parents did not express love for me in word and deed, I could easily think that my value as an individual is not worth much.

Parents influence our relationship with God. The Bible teaches that "God is love" (1 John 4:8, 16). The first way that we should experience God's love is through our parents. The parent-child relationship should be a bond of love. Our parent-child relationship with God is a bond of love, unconditional love. Without receiving the love that we need from our parents, makes it harder to believe that God loves us.

Parents influence us as parents. If the parenting model we received in our family of origin was loving and kind, our parenting style has a healthy model to follow. If we experienced a negative style of parenting, it would be easy for us to follow the same pattern, or become confused about a healthy pattern.

Parents influence our view of discipline. Parents are to provide boundaries and training for their children. This includes discipline and correction. God's style of discipline and correction is parenting by love (Hebrews 12:5-11). Love patiently corrects and trains. It requires time, attention and energy. Love provides discipline which really cares enough to correct a child.

Both abusive and passive parents create problems for children that can be serious. It may require us to forgive our parents, to see their mistakes and make changes in our own parenting style. Even if we had good parents, there are no perfect parents.

Parents influence us for a lifetime. Children need support and encouragement. They have developmental tasks to complete. They may become discouraged and afraid to really try. The attention and encouragement of parents makes a difference in the lives of children today and in all of their tomorrows. They need to know that their parents are for them. They need the security of unconditional love.

Championship Fathers

2011-06-16T10:15:00.001-05:00

Fathers who make a difference in their children's lives have three major characteristics. First of all, they are loving fathers, who care for their children with an unconditional love. Secondly, they are fathers who coach their children. They are involved in the daily lives of their children. Thirdly, they model family values with consistency. While there are no perfect fathers, the fathers with these three characteristics make a difference in their children's lives. This is an observation made by Carey Casey in his book, Championship Fathering.

Loving unconditionally is the hallmark of a championship father. His children have a sense of security. They can always depend on dad's unfailing love. When children fail in life, they need dad's love even more. This is the kind of love God has for us as his children - unconditional.

Love is action. It involves six specific actions in a child's life. These include time with children. Dad spends personal time with each child. The father talks with his children, and more importantly, he listens. What they say is important to him. He always takes time to listen. Also, he realizes how important it is to touch and hug his children. This is a non-verbal way to affirm them. Another action includes encouragement. Everyone needs encouragement, especially children, who are developing personal skills for the adult years. Dad's encouragement is a life-long support for his children.

Loving fathers honor and respect their children's mother. He becomes their model for a husband. He forms a team with his wife in parenting. They do it together for the well-being, security and self-esteem of their children. Even the divorced dad does well to honor his children's mother. He honors and respects her as the mother of his children.

There are no perfect fathers, but championship fathers make a difference in the lives of their children. Their encouragement and affirmation always makes a difference in the lives of the children whom they love. All children deserve a championship father. They model the love, goodness and acceptance of God our heavenly Father.

For more on Championship Fathering, look at http://Fathers.com.

Understanding Your Wife

2011-06-14T00:00:00.003-05:00

They always had fun dating. The engagement was better than she ever expected. She was so in love with him. Their adjustment in the early months of marriage was like an ongoing honeymoon. However, over a period of time, she felt more and more like he wanted her to take care of him. He didn't like to think about finances, so she took care of the bills. He didn't really want to do the upkeep on the car, so she took it to the dealer for maintenance. She went to buy the groceries and even his clothes. He enjoyed "hanging out" at the house watching television and spending time with the guys. She was beginning to feel more and more like his mother.

As the months went by, she felt more and more frustration with the load of doing everything. However, she didn't want to say anything that would cause conflict, so she "bottled" her feelings. One day the frustration became too much. She "boiled over" and said to him, "I'm getting tired of being your mother. I thought that I married a man, and not a child. You don't do anything, and I have to do everything, and I'm tired of it!" The fight was on throughout the evening, until the "cold war" began. Silence set in and nothing more was said.

The next day nothing really changed. She finally started talking to him again. However, the problem was still there. He never talked about it, and she didn't want another confrontation. Over the months and years however, she felt more and more like his mother and not his wife. The romance was dead. He was okay with it.

Often, a couple do not really know each other in the dating, engagement stage. We have a tendency to project upon people who we want them to be, especially during the first two years of a relationship.

His refusal to act like a man, and lead like a husband, caused a role reversal. She really did feel like his mother. He was okay with that. His immaturity was a threat to a meaningful relationship with his wife. She had a feminine need to feel that he would take care of her. It appears that he wanted her to take care of him.

A mark of immaturity is to be self-centered about one's own needs, disregarding the needs of others. The husband must understand the gender needs of his wife. "In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat her with understanding as you live together" (1 Peter 3:7, NLT).

For a man to understand his wife, he must listen to her without becoming angry or defensive, when she feels that her needs are not being considered. To ignore her feelings is to enter a "silent divorce." She wants him to understand her. When she feels like he really understands her, and will care for her needs, intimacy is restored in the relationship.

Hearing His Voice

2011-06-11T21:59:00.002-05:00

She said to her husband, "You never call me during the day." He didn't seem to understand. He responded by saying, "Well, I think about you throughout every day, but I don't want to bother you on the job." She quickly said, "Honey, it would never be a bother, I just need to hear your voice." He thought for a moment, not knowing what to say. Finally he said with a smile and a wink, "Okay, I can do that."

As time went by, her husband thought of her strange request. She just needed to hear his voice. He really couldn't figure that one out. To the contrary, he thought he was doing her a favor by not disturbing her on the job. Finally, he remembered when they were dating, she always liked for him to call the morning after their date. So, he started checking with her on the job with at least a daily call. He didn't know why, but she really loved his calls.

The gentle sound and loving words of a husband can enhance the romantic bond of the relationship. In the Song of Solomon, the woman in love says, "My heart leaped up when he spoke" (5:6). It's not so much what he said, but just hearing his voice touched her heart.

Notice in our story the gender difference. The reason being, men primarily communicate to tell facts. Women more often communicate to share feelings. He needed to say to her, "I love to talk with you, but help me understand how you feel when I call." Understanding gender differences is vitally important to the relationship.

A call to your wife during the day is a way of saying, "I'm thinking about you. I need to know that you are okay." It feeds her feminine side and reassures her of the husband's care.

The voice of the husband is part of the emotional, spiritual bond of marriage. His soft, tender speech can reinforce the bond. It gives her a sense of security in the relationship. That's the reason the call on the morning after a date was so important to her.

The wife may need to share a problem with her husband over the phone. That doesn't mean that he has to rush out and fix it. She may just feel better after sharing it with him. Often, she can let go of it for the time. His voice can give reassuring words, "I understand" or "It's going to be okay." She knows he is there for her.

An Understanding Father

2011-06-08T14:38:00.000-05:00

An understanding father is loved and appreciated by his family. There was a father who had two sons. One of those sons always sought to do the right thing. His other son often got into trouble and even ran away from home. After living a lifestyle of rebellion and making bad choices in life, the son returned home. The father didn't scold him nor reject him. He embraced him with love and received him without question.

His older son was jealous and furious. How could his father just welcome him home and not mention all of his mistakes? The father went to talk with the angry son. He tried to reason with him and understand him. You can read the rest of the story in your Bible (Luke 15). The gracious, loving father understood both of his sons.

An understanding father forgives. Condemning, scolding and placing shame on a child does not really change them. As a matter of fact, it often gives them no hope of a better life. Sharp, judgmental words from a father can give a child low self-esteem for a lifetime.

An understanding father loves at all times. It's easy to love our children when they are obedient, successful and cooperative. When they are not, they really need our love even more. Sure, children need to be corrected and taught the truth, but they also need to be loved when they fail. Disobedience may even be an attempt to get attention from a parent. Children need to know that our love for them is unconditional.

An understanding father reconciles. Siblings and family members may be at odds. Such family disagreements may bring on years of discord and hard feelings, division and bitterness. An understanding father seeks to reconcile and understand those who quarrel.

An understanding father listens. All children need their parents to listen to them. They want to be understood. As we listen to their emotions and frustrations, they feel better just knowing that dad understands. The father in our story listened to the jealous comments of his older son. He understood what he felt.

An understanding father is like God. Our Father in heaven is forgiving and loving. He receives us graciously when we come to Him after doing wrong. He is always willing to forgive us. His love for us is unconditional. Children can learn much about our heavenly Father through an understanding, loving, earthly father.

Solving In-Law Conflict

2011-06-05T20:06:00.000-05:00

They had a wonderful family. God had blessed the couple with two fine daughters. Oh, they had problems now and then, but nothing out of the ordinary. Life was good. Things were fine for this family.

Both daughters graduated from college with marketable degrees for promising vocations. Both of them met and married young men, who likewise had good careers ahead of them. The parents were proud of their daughters and the young men whom they married.

One day their family life changed dramatically. The two sons-in-law got into an argument over what was seemingly nothing. Some sharp words were exchanged. It almost came to a fist fight, but the wives stepped in to separate them. Both couples left the parents home very upset. It was never the same after that day.

The dispute between the sons-in-law carried over into the relationship between the daughters. They had been so close growing up, but no more. There seemed to be no solution over the ongoing dispute that continued to show up in other issues. Each couple decided to visit the parents when the other couple was not present. It was awkward, but it avoided another conflict.

Points to Consider

The conflict originated in a dispute between sons-in-law over "seemingly nothing." In terms of transactional analysis, both young men were allowing "the child within" to rule the situation. It was not an adult-adult transaction. Some would say, "They were acting like children."

Such conflict is really from problems in the childhood of one's past, projected on to the current situation. Issues from our childhood past, which are not resolved, have a way of resurfacing again and again in the adult years.

The wives entered into the situation, each defensive of their own husbands. That caused the issue to escalate. They needed to reconcile and intervene to bring the husbands together. The petty issue is probably forgotten, the angry emotions are still tender.

Adults can disagree on issues and maintain a healthy relationship. The child of the past must win the conflict. Each wife should talk to her husband about similar type issues in his family of origin. Encourage him to open his heart about any bitter root issue of the past.

Prayer is a very useful resource in a time like this. God's will is always reconciliation, forgiveness and love. The father in the parable of the prodigal son, and elder brother (Luke 15) shows God's desire for forgiveness and reconciliation. In that parable, jealousy and unforgiveness were the bitter root issues.

Divorce Recovery

2011-06-02T22:57:00.000-05:00

He was often depressed and withdrawn. When this happened, his wife usually thought that he was upset with her. He always assured her that was not the case. She would ask him, "What's wrong?" The answer was always the same. "Oh, nothing. I've just got so much on my mind with the business." She didn't know the real issue, and he wasn't about to discuss it with her. You see, this was his second marriage. Although he loved his wife, he was not healed from his divorce with the first wife. More than that, he had a son whom he never saw. The first wife and son lived more than a thousand miles away.

The man bottled all of his emotions about his divorce. He kept his grief to himself. He needed help, but he didn't believe anyone could help him. The only way that he knew to cope with his grief was to keep it to himself. In the meantime, it was affecting his present marriage. He was not transparent with his wife, fearing that it would only upset her. His emotional withdrawal from time to time caused his wife to feel shut out of his life. He needed healing from his divorce.

Points to Consider

Divorced persons go through a grief process. Any time we suffer any loss, we go through stages of grief. Divorce, like the death of a spouse, is the most stressful grief in life. It is sometimes more difficult to get cloture on divorce than the death of a spouse, especially when children are involved.

Grief has certain predictable emotions. These emotions include denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance. Depression is a key indicator of grief. The stages may overlap and do not necessarily follow sequence. Grieving persons often have non-direct anger. It is displaced. Therefore, you may conclude that they are angry with you, when they are only expressing their anger to you.

Counseling and supports groups are available to help in divorce recovery. A licensed professional counselor has been trained to identify the stages of grief. The counselor gives the person an opportunity to express the grief. Divorce Recovery support groups help people to find strength from one another. They give the support of people who understand.

God heals the brokenhearted. Divorced persons need to know that God loves them. They need to experience his grace and kindness. In their weakness, God's strength is available through Bible reading, prayer and pastoral care. God says to all who are divorced, "My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness," 2 Corinthians 12:9, NLT. His grace and power come to us through prayer, Bible reading, and other people. The Spirit of the Lord comforts and heals the brokenhearted (Isaiah 61:1-2).

Her Dad was Alcoholic

2011-05-31T00:00:00.001-05:00

Those memories of childhood were fearful and painful. She was always afraid her father would come home drunk. She could still hear his voice. He came home often after she had gone to bed. She would be awakened to his voice arguing with her mother in another room. She could hear them fighting. She prayed quietly that God would protect her, as well as her mother and her brothers. The screaming and yelling went on into the night. She could only sleep after the house became quiet.

She knew the family secret was never to be discussed outside the home. People may think less of them, if they only knew the truth. Her mother did the best she could to control the situation, but her best was not always good enough. Why wouldn't God do something about it? They needed his help.

She married at an early age. She asked her husband to promise that he would never drink alcoholic beverages. He kept his promise. However, her childhood fear never went away. She had a strong need to be in control of every situation in her home. After all, she knew the torment that could come when things are out of her control. Her overwhelming need to be in control became a source of many arguments in her marriage. The idea of losing control became an overwhelming fear with her. The origin of the problem went back to the days of childhood.

Points to Consider

Alcoholism and drug addiction affects every member of the family. It's not just a problem for the person addicted. It's a family problem. It can likely cause a family to become dysfunctional because of the family secret. Problems are not freely discussed.

A dysfunctional family does not meet the needs of each individual. The attention is focused on the person with the addictive behavior. Children need loving attention and security. The spouse of the person with an addiction problem often faces verbal abuse, and sometime physical abuse.

Codependency often affects adult children of alcoholics and drug addicts. The codependent has an overwhelming need to be in control of every situation at all times. The greatest fear is losing control. This can cause family problems in subsequent generations.

We must admit that we cannot really control nor change other peoples lives. We may love them, pray for them and encourage them, but they must be willing to change. The choice is with them. A dysfunctional family can choose counseling and intervention with a family member. The addictive person must accept responsibility for his actions.

God does hear the prayers of desperate family members in dealing with a loved one with an addiction. Often that change does not come without a major crisis in the person's life. Also, God heals our memories of the past. His love and grace can take the hurt and fear out of those painful memories. God can deliver us from our fears, the spiritual root cause of codependency (2 Timothy 1:7).

Family Transitions

2011-05-28T00:00:00.005-05:00

Families go through many transitions. These times include birth, death, divorce, the empty nest, vocational change, new in-laws, moving, etc. The list goes on and on. It is important to understand the dynamics of family transitions. These can be times that draw families closer together or rip them apart. Our response to the transitions makes all the difference.

Families need to be flexible, understanding that transitions are a normal part of life. We often grieve change and want things to be the way they used to be. Our emotions may have highs and lows as we go through family transitions. As we learn how to adjust, family members may use the changes to cause the bond of love and understanding to become even stronger.

Embrace your emotions in family transitions. Let yourself feel what is there. Even denial is an emotion that we need to understand and embrace. Suppressing our feelings hinders us from understanding ourselves. Talk to a family member whom you trust. Express your feelings. Most of all, talk to God. After my mother died twenty-seven years ago, I expressed my anger to God in prayer. It was a part of my grief. I embraced it. After the prayer, to my surprise, the anger was gone. I don't mean to imply that everyone will have such an experience. I do mean to say that we should express all of our emotions to God in prayer.

Be forgiving in family transitions. During times of stress for the family, often strong emotions are expressed inappropriately. In the emotion of the moment, we all may say things that we should not. Forgive and love those who have done so to you. It can make your family bonds stronger. Love keeps no record of wrongs. Usually, a family member who expresses anger with you is a person who feels safe with you. Don't let it ruin a relationship. Let it be a point of understanding and acceptance.

Pray with the family during transitions. I understand that prayer should not be forced on anyone. I also understand that many people do not feel comfortable praying in front of others. Look for opportunities to pray with the family as well as individuals in the family. Faith in God is expressed through prayer. He cares about your family. He waits for your invitation to help in the transitions of family life.

Be accepting during family transitions. All of us need acceptance, especially from our family. We may have disagreements on issues, but we can always accept one another as persons of worth and value. Agreeing 100% of the time is not necessary to accepting in love our family members. Withdrawing and shunning family members during transitions, or at any other time, will not help us or them. This is a time to practice the Golden Rule. We know to do unto others as we would have them do unto us. With such, God is well pleased, and his blessing will be upon our action.

The Passive Father

2011-05-24T21:58:00.002-05:00

He was a good man, admired by so many. He got along well with people on the job and most everyone whom he met. He had been married sixteen years. He and his wife had three fine children. He seldom, if ever, argued with his wife. There was no conflict between him and the children. However, there was a major problem in the family. He was emotionally disengaged with his wife and children. He was a passive husband and father.

He always went along with what his wife wanted to do. He looked at his job as making a good living for the family. Everything else was left to his wife. She made all the financial decisions. She disciplined the children. She was responsible for everyone and everything. At times, the pressure for all of this got to be a bit too much. She often got frustrated and irritable with him, but he had no response. As a passive husband and father, he was responsible for nothing but to bring home a check. He was really not engaged in the life of his family.

Points to Consider

The husband and father in a family has a responsibility to do more than provide finances. He has a responsibility to provide emotional and physical security, affirmation of his wife and children, and leadership for the family. He should care about every aspect of family life.

A passive husband and father sends the wrong message to the family. To be disengaged may be interpreted as "I don't care." This role model is not good for children, who one day will become a spouse and a parent.

There could be several reasons a husband and father is passive. He could be in a "silent divorce," with a side effect of disengagement from family responsibility. Also, it could be that he had a poor role model in his parents. Or, it may be a lack of maturity on his part. Regardless, for some reason he refuses to accept his responsibility.

The Bible describes the responsibility of a Christian husband and father. "Husbands love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for her" (Ephesians 5:25). As Christ provides loving leadership for the church, so husbands should for their wives and children. Christian fathers have a responsibility to their children to "bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4). He has the responsibility to lovingly discipline his children (Hebrews 12:9).

No one can take the place of the husband-father of the family. His responsibility is ordained of God. His influence on his children is greater than he may think. His wife's need for his support and affirmation is often greater than he can imagine. His leadership is needed by the family.

She Had to Control

2011-05-22T19:50:00.000-05:00

She was married to her first husband for sixteen years. The marriage got off to a great start. It was one of those "story book" relationships, too good to be true. After a few years, it proved not to be true. The arguments increased both in number and intensity. These arguments included a variety of subjects, but there was one common theme, she had to be in control. That was her primary issue in the relationship. Now, she was totally in control after sixteen years, but she was divorced.

The divorced mother "demonized" her former husband with her daughter. She never wanted him to visit the daughter, and made it difficult for him to do so, but she never let the daughter know. The mother asked often, "I wonder why you haven't heard anything from your father?" She feared losing control of her daughter's life. There is that issue again. It had a way of showing up in all of her relationships.

Five years after her divorce, she met another man, whom she dated for two years. He had to be "Mr. Right." He was a handsome man with an outstanding career. She often told him, "You are the one I should have married the first time." Story book marriage number two had begun. You've got it. The same results after a couple of years in this marriage. They sought counseling, but the real issue never surfaced. They jumped from one problem to another without discovering the underlying cause. They separated for two years, and the husband finally initiated the divorce.

During the time of the divorce, her daughter was married. The mother thought the son-in-law was perfect for her daughter until their first conflict. The problem was not primarily with his wife, but it was about his mother-in-law. Do I really need to tell you the issue? The relationship between these in-laws deteriorated until there was no relationship. They were together only when absolutely necessary, and then there was very little conversation between them. The marriage could have been in jeopardy, but the daughter and son-in-law were moved by his business to a distant state.

Points to Consider

People who have an unusual need to always be in control at all times have a serious problem. This is often classified as codependency. The main issue is being in control. The greatest fear is losing control.

Codependency develops from the family of origin. Such cases may deal with a parent who is alcoholic or drug dependent. Keeping everything under control becomes a key issue. This behavior can affect future generations.

Children of codependents often have trouble making decisions. A codependent parent is afraid that a child will make the wrong decision. This also includes adult children. Once again, being in control is the issue.

God has given people the ability to make personal choices. We are accountable for our decisions. Children should be taught by parents to make wise decisions. The goal of parenting is to develop children to become responsible adults, making their own choices. Self-control is a fruit of the Holy Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23).

Fear is the dynamic motivating codependency. The person learned to live by fear and not by love in the family of origin. God desires that our lives be motivated by love and self-control rather than fear (2 Timothy 1:7).

Teaching Children about God

2011-05-20T08:56:00.000-05:00

One of the real joys that Christian parents have is teaching their children about God. Preschoolers can be taught about God on their age level. What a difference it can make in their lives now and forever. While churches and Christian day schools teach children about God, the home is still the most important place to teach your children about God. It is a responsibility of parents as well as a joy.

The apostle Paul wrote to a young preacher by the name of Timothy, "You have been taught the holy Scriptures from childhood, and they have given you the wisdom to receive the salvation that comes by trusting Christ Jesus," 2 Timothy 3:15, NLT. Timothy's faith came as a result of his mother teaching him the Bible in early childhood. The seed of God's word was deeply planted in his heart.

Teach children on their age level. A parent may start by teaching simple truths about God, such as God is good or God is love. The first prayer that I learned was from my mother as a preschool child: "God is great. God is good. Let us thank him for our food. By his hand we are fed. Give us Lord our daily bread. Amen." Such a simple prayer taught me about the greatness and goodness of God. It was my first theology lesson on my age level.

Teach children the Bible stories. Many books are available in Christian bookstores to teach children the Bible stories on their age level. You may read them the stories. They could learn more about reading for themselves with these wonderful stories.

Teach children about God from your experience. They need to know how you as a parent relate to God. Once again, it needs to be according to their age level. Choose words that they may easily understand. Be ready to answer their questions. As they get older, tell them more details about your faith in God and commitment to Christ.

Teach children about God through prayer. Make sure they know that prayer is really talking to God in your own words. Pray with them. They will remember those times for the rest of their lives. Prayer is not just something we do at church or in public. It is at the heart of our personal relationship with God.

Teach children about God by example. They watch us. They model our behavior. What we say must match what we do. They are listening and watching us. We teach by example. Most importantly, they should experience God's love through us.

Finding the Perfect Husband?

2011-05-17T19:49:00.000-05:00

She was a college graduate and now teaching in elementary school. Her mother had always wanted her to be a teacher. She was always a compliant child, so now she's a teacher.

Over the years, she had dated many guys, but her mother was never happy with any of them. After meeting a new guy, her mother would say sooner or later, "Well, he's okay, but I know you can do better." Time after time this continued to happen, until she met a guy that she really loved. Her mother eventually said the same thing, "Well, he's okay, but I know you can do better." That statement failed to block a relationship this time. Now, they were engaged, and it was the day before the wedding. The mother said, "I hope you know what you're doing. It's not too late to call off this wedding." But, that didn't happen.

After being married for two years, there were disagreements and arguments. The wife shared all with her mother. Her mother's response was, "I tried to tell you, but you wouldn't listen." The couple went through cycles of love and anger. One episode escalated to the talk of divorce, and that's exactly what happened. Her mother responded after the divorce with those familiar words, "I tried to tell you, but you wouldn't listen."

After the divorce, the lady dated from time to time, but her mother was never happy with anyone she dated. The daughter became fearful of entering a serious relationship with any man. After all, her mother was right about the man she had married, so surely she's right about all of these men that she has dated.

Points to Consider

There are no perfect husbands, or wives for that matter. Real love accepts persons as they are. If we thought that we had found the perfect mate, time would sooner or later prove us wrong.

Only a woman can tell when she is really in love. This is that special person in her life, and she knows it. She doesn't want to live without him.

All marriages go through love-anger cycles. The question is how do we settle our differences? You may disagree on many things and still be in love.

Divorce can happen in any marriage. The relationship must grow, as the bond of love becomes stronger. Two people chose to enter the marriage. They must agree to stay in the marriage. Unrealistic expectations can set a marriage up for failure.

Parents should be concerned about who their children marry, but the final decision belongs to an adult child. When a person makes a commitment in marriage, it is important for parents to lovingly accept the spouse as a welcomed part of the family.

Healing Painful Memories

2011-05-15T14:04:00.000-05:00

She sat across the room from her counselor, explaining to him that her relationship with her father was not very good. In the early years, he was gone from home much of the time because of his business. She didn't remember him being there for her. Later, in her teen years, they often got into arguments. She felt like she could never please him. The father's relationship with her brothers seemed to be much better.

As the years went by, she and her father could not be in a room long without a fuss. He didn't want to listen to what she had to say, but he wanted her to listen to his every word, and most of all, always do what he said. When she didn't agree, there was a display of anger from him, as he raised his voice saying, "Young lady, you will do exactly what I say. I'm your father."

The daughter married earlier in life than most young ladies. She thought it was her ticket to freedom from her father. Her husband seldom argued with her. He wasn't very affectionate, romantic or loving, but at least he wasn't like her father.

The woman told her counselor that she wanted to reconcile with her father. She desired to resolve the issues between them. The counselor asked, "Well, why don't you talk with him?" She answered slowly with a broken voice, "I can't. He passed away last year, but those issues are still with me. What can I do now?" The counselor advised her that she needed to express her anger, depression and frustration in the sessions with him. He suggested that the issues could be resolved within her mind.

Points to Consider

Issues with parents often continue with us throughout life. Even when a parent dies, the memories can be painful and need healing. Talking with a pastor or licensed professional counselor can be helpful.

Sometimes, adult children need to forgive their parents, or we may need to ask our parents for forgiveness. When this is not possible, we have a heavenly Father who will hear us in prayer. His love and grace brings healing to the hurts of the past. He certainly will forgive us.

There are times when we need to grieve about what we didn't receive from our parents. A counselor can be very helpful through the grief process. Feelings of anger, depression and bitterness need to be identified, expressed and healed. The goal is to come to a point of acceptance of the situation as it was, and accept God's healing grace by faith through prayer.

Seek understanding. It would be good if we could understand more about our parents, but we really need to understand ourselves. To understand our emotions and our memories, and how they affect us today, is helpful in the healing process. Select books written by reputable authors in the field of pastoral care and professional counseling. Consider the need for counseling.

Cultivate a personal relationship with your heavenly Father. He does understand us. He knows our hurts and how to heal them. He still heals the broken-hearted. Meditate upon his unconditional love, the very essence of his nature (Romans 5:5; 5:8; 1 John 4:8,16). Believing and receiving the Father's love brings healing to the hurting.

Praying for Your Family

2011-05-13T11:52:00.000-05:00

A mother said to her pastor, "I've been praying for my daughter and son-in-law that they will be moved back to our city. Will you pray with me about it?" The pastor answered, "I sure will, but I must pray God's will be done in their lives." The lady was not too happy with the pastor. After all, she wanted her daughter, son-in-law and grandchildren to move close to her. When we pray for family members, as when we pray about anything, we should always remember to submit our will to the will of God.

Pray for your family according to God's will. The Bible declares the will of God for our lives clearly and without question. For instance, the Bible explains the will of God for family life (Colossians 3:18-21). To pray such words is to pray God's order for your family.

Pray for family members to know Christ by faith. It's God's will for your family to be saved through faith in Christ (Acts 16:30-31). "This is good and pleases God our Savior, for he wants everyone to be saved, and to understand the truth" (1 Timothy 2:3-4). Scripture leaves no question on the will of God here.

Pray for God's good will to be done in your marriage. God's will is for husbands to love their wives with an unconditional love, and for wives to respect their husbands (Ephesians 5:33). God delights in blessing the marriage relationship. He ordained marriage. He wants the best for your marriage.

Pray for your children to grow in their faith. That is stated clearly as the will of God in 2 Peter 3:18. "But grow in the special favor and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." Children need to be taught the truth of God's will both at home and in church. God's will is for all believers to grow in their faith.

Understanding Family Jealousy

2011-05-09T00:00:00.001-05:00

"The older brother was angry and wouldn't go in.
His father came out and begged him."

Luke 15:28, NLT

The older brother's anger, caused by jealousy, is not the main point of the Parable of the Prodigal Son, but it does call our attention to a family problem. Jealousy is the root of many family problems. Until the problem causing jealousy is identified and resolved, family anger and division will not go away. Jealousy was the central issue of the older brother's problem.

Jealousy needs to be understood. Someone feels treated unfairly. Their needs are not met, and they see others receiving help for their needs. The fear of never having needs met causes the anger.

Anger itself is seldom the core issue. What is causing the anger? What need has been neglected, or how has the family member been treated unfairly? Until such questions are addressed, there is little hope for conflict resolution.

Dysfunctional families do not talk to the person offended about the problem, rather they only talk to others about the angry behavior of the person who feels wronged. The angry person needs to be able to express the hurt.

Jealousy is not only a response to neglect or abuse, it is also a choice. The angry person needs to resolve the issue as much as anyone in the family. Bottled anger will not go away. The jealous person must feel safe to express the reason for the hurt.

Families are the primary social support group. When family members feel that their needs will not be met, jealousy is the outcome. The greatest need we all have is to be loved. Love provides caring support through families.

A Tribute to Mothers

2011-05-06T00:00:00.001-05:00

It's a story that I heard many years ago, but a story that I shall never forget. It is a tribute to the unselfish love of mothers for their children. She was a loving mother who saved her infant child from a burning house. During her heroic effort to save the child, her hands and arms were burned. They healed but the scars remained. As the little girl grew older, she would ask how her arms and hands got so scared. Her mother put her off, because she wanted the child to feel no false guilt about the accident.

When the mother went to public events, she took every precaution to do what she could to cover the scars. Those who happened to see the scars were kind enough not to ask. In the mean time, her daughter brought the question up more often. One day the daughter pressed her for an answer and would not let it go. She had become self-conscious of her scars, embarrassed at the thought of her friends seeing them. For the first time her mother told her the whole story. The daughter had many tears as she cried, knowing that her mother took the pain and suffering to spare her life. The daughter hugged her mother and said, "I will never doubt how much you love me. Every time I think about those scars, I will think about your love for me."

That story speaks of a mother's love. My mother never had scars on her arms, but she had an unconditional, unselfish love for me. I saw the love of God through her. God's love for us is unconditional. He loves us regardless of our faults and failures. His love is steadfast and sure. Your mother may not have scars on her hands and arms, but if she loved you with that kind of sacrificial, unconditional love, she is a gift from God for you. Honor her. Express your appreciation. Most of all, love her as she has loved you - unconditionally.